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The Student News Site of Saint Louis University

The University News

The Student News Site of Saint Louis University

The University News

College Couples Try Sharing Rent Before Sharing Wedding Vows

(U-WIRE) BLOOMINGTON, Ind.-Senior Owen Mundy might not always put the seat down, but his girlfriend, Rasma Vitols, learned to deal with it during the past two years.

When most students’ parents were born, living together was a social taboo. In 1960, there were about 400,000 unmarried couple households, but now the number has soared to more than four million according to the U.S. Census Bureau. This year, Haverford College in Pennsylvania will join two other East Coast colleges or universities allowing men and women to share dormitory rooms. A social stigma no longer, cohabitation is on the rise and proving to be a fantasy for some couples and a nightmare for others.

Some sociologists regard cohabitation as a modern day “courtship ritual,” said Patricia McManus, an assistant professor of sociology.

“Overwhelmingly, most people are still getting married; however, there is a slight drop in the proportion of people relative to the `50s and `60s,” she said.

McManus said that as a society we have high expectations marriage will be personally fulfilling, so many are approaching marriage with more caution.

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“We cook meals together, which is so fun,” Mundy said. “We name our plants.”

More important than mac and cheese and house plants, Mundy said, “We’ve learned each other’s quirks.”

“We’re comfortable with each other,” he said. “We talk about everything. If we have an argument, we’re definitely going to see each other and talk about it.”

But being in the same house can be a challenge. Vitols has a full-time job and Mundy is a full-time student, so sometimes their schedules conflict.

“We have to be each other’s constant form of entertainment,” Mundy said. “When I want to work, I want to work, and then I’ll hear this voice say, `Don’t you wanna hang out with me?'”

“I’m a distraction,” Vitols said. She took up painting on Mundy’s suggestion. Now she has a hobby to keep her busy while he works.

Vitols stayed at Mundy’s house occasionally starting in the summer of 1998, but by that fall she began to stay regularly. She was working full time, and rather than staying at home with her parents, she stayed with Mundy. They have signed a lease for a townhouse for next fall.

“We consider it a stepping stone for a life for just the two of us,” Mundy said.

Mark Erdosy, a pastoral associate at St. Paul’s Catholic Church, said most cohabiting couples coming for marriage preparation at St. Paul’s initially say they moved in for financial reasons.

“For the most part, cohabiting couples are saving one person’s monthly rent, but it’s almost like they are mortgaging the long term for short-term gain,” Erdosy said.

He said during the rite of marriage, when the priest asks the couple, “Have you come here freely and without reservation to give yourselves to each other in marriage?” they cannot answer a 100 percent “yes” because they are financially dependent on each other.

Other couples said it was “the next logical step” or they were just going to test it out.

“I’ve yet to have a married couple who had cohabitated tell me that they’re glad they lived together,” said Erdosy, who counsels around 50 couples in marriage preparation each year. “I have had couples tell me they wish they had spent that time apart.”

He said that cohabitation can push a couple into a lifetime commitment they do not want.

“It’s not uncommon for a cohabiting couple to get married because its what’s expected of them,” he said. “One or both of the partners may not feel ready for the lifetime commitment, but because of obligation they go through with (marriage).”

While Erdosy said he does not think cohabitation is a good idea, Carol McCord, assistant dean of the office for women’s affairs and clinician at the Kinsey Institute, endorses this idea. McCord said cohabitation is a time to agree and negotiate if living together works.

She said that cohabitation is an important step in choosing a mate.

“It’s a really healthy way of practicing the skills of daily living and a further step toward adulthood than living with a couple of buddies,” she said. “Some women want to see if a partner is going to be equally supportive. Getting married solely because you want to have sex is not a good reason.”

Vitols’ mother initially worried that she cared more about her boyfriend than her family, she said. Other than that, her parents did not have a problem with her situation.

“My parents did it, my brother did it, my sister did it,” Vitols said.

Some parents might not be so accepting of cohabitation. Often, the parents’ disapproval of cohabitation puts a strain on the parent-child relationship, McManus said. If these bad feelings persist into the marriage, the couple lacks the social support that keeps relationships together.

McManus said that high divorce rates can be explained by the individuals who, regardless of cohabitation, are already prone to divorce because of their attitude toward commitment and marriage.

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