Since we all left our glorious campus in May, many things have
changed. I have picked out the 10 most important to get everyone
re-accustomed to being back on campus.

Notre Dame is now the Busch Memorial Center. Although, this
isn’t really a fair statement. Notre Dame is actually more like
BMC’s little sidekick.

The little brother that tries to be just like his big brother,
but in the end ends up just hurting himself. The annoying kid from
down the street that you let have an at-bat in stickball, just so
he’ll go chase your homeruns for another three hours.

The little brother that no matter how hard he tries, he just
won’t be as good as his older brother… you know, like Roger
Clinton.

There are two new statues on campus. While this is new to those
who have been gone all summer, did you really expect anything
less?

Personally, I think we missed our quota by at least three on
this one. Unfortunately, these statues all have clothes on.

I guess these statues aren’t as secure as those from last
summer…

The BMC is now a pile of rubble. But that’s okay, because it’s a
pile of rubble with a plan.

Just think, one year from now the BMC will be the glistening
pride of SLU… it’s just too bad some of us won’t be here to see
it. I feel good knowing that my money is paying for the
construction–important people tell me it is going to make my
degree worth more.

Gries is now an all-freshman dorm. I hear by the end of the week
that all the security cameras in the bathrooms will be installed.
And for you freshman, just go sometime this week to parking and
card services, they’ll implant the chip you need into your
hand–this will allow the administration to make sure you follow
the new rules. And remember, Big Brother IS watching.

Laclede Mall is now an Astroturf playing field. I wonder if the
student health center is ready to deal with cases of turf-toe and
torn ACLs? I do think it is a good change though; we really didn’t
need all those parking places in the first place anyway. On the
bright side, at least now we don’t have to lie awake at night
wondering what SLU was doing with that vast amount of Astroturf
left over from the soccer field.

Gries cafeteria is now a full-blown construction zone. At some
point this semester we’ll get to actually try the new food that
Chartwells is going to provide. Just remember, it is proper to wear
your hard hats at the dinner table. I also hear that the
contractors are almost finished with the Biondi bust that is being
carved into the front of the building.

We hired Julius Hunter to work with community relations, and I
honestly can’t think of a better person to have on campus. Just
think how cool he was as Darth Vader, and maybe we could get him to
sing a song from The Lion King for graduation.

Wait, do I have him confused with someone else?

The Pasta House now finds itself in the old Colorado building.
Now you can get pasta everyday of the week. Just think, next year’s
statistics will show that freshmen put on a total of two tons
throughout the year. It’s a good thing though, because I really
like Greek food.

The alcohol task force is back. This year they are trying to be
more inconspicuous, they lost the all-black clothing and dark
sunglasses thing–somebody must have told them that The Matrix was
just a movie. However, this year, they have improved their tactics,
they will now use tear gas and attack dogs when checking your
apartment for… anything they want.

A new freshman class. Just think, you were there once. I know it
is hard to remember back that far, but it is true. Once, way back
in your teens you were a freshman too. So the next time you see a
freshman wandering around in a building as lost as George W. in the
West Wing, help them out and send them the right way to their
class.

And don’t forget to invite them to the pool parties on the Gries
roof, they’re the best.

And just think, the years will fly by, and the freshmen will be
an aged senior like me.

Derek Johannsen is a senior studying criminal
justice.