Ah, New Year’s. A time for new beginnings. A time to start fresh, ready to blaze the trail to a better life. A time when you wake up after New Year’s Eve, amazed that you were able to drink four handles of the Captain AND still beat Predator 2 star Danny Glover in a full-contact game of Scrabble.

Essentially, what I’m saying is that a lot of people come up with resolutions and are stalwart about sticking with them. A vast majority of those making New Year’s resolutions decide that this is year when they ARE going to lose weight AND keep it off. That is, until the image of a delicious McRib Sandwich dripping with gelatinous barbeque sauce floats through their head, and they realize that losing weight is nearly impossible in this land of mouth-watering delicacies.

Notice that I said “nearly impossible” and not “impossible” for, as Hemingway once said, nothing is impossible with Rob. Sacrileges aside, I earned a “Stay Healthy!” certificate from Ms. Freeman in third grade for being able to stand in front of the class and name four of the five food groups (Elmer’s glue, it turns out, is not as nutritious as once believed), and I am now fully qualified to dispense health tips like none other. And so, without further ado, I give you Rob Gartland’s First Annual (or Inaugural, for you tightwads) New Years Weight Loss Tips!

You may ask, “But Rob! I’m stuck on a college campus! There’s nothing I can do to lose weight!” The answer to that nonsense, which I have been told is not actually a question, is “Wrong!” and “You’re a damned liar!” which I have been told is actually two answers. The following are weight-loss solutions that can be taken care of right here at SLU.

1) Eat more eggs. Eggs have been scientifically proven to be “the miracle food.” This comes from years of research. The Dead Sea scrolls even contain a passage describing an instance where Jesus fed 5,000 people when he turned water into Idaho farm-fresh chicken eggs. The Scrolls also contain high sources of protein and calcium.

2) Hit up the Simon Rec Center. SLU’s very own recreation center plays host to basketball and racquetball courts, a swimming pool (motto: Nearly urine-free!), an indoor track and a vast array of people in far better shape than you. They probably have less body hair, too. Stationary bikes are also available, though you may want to sign up now-the waiting list is full until next New Year’s.

3) Another way you college kids can cut your fat is to change your diet. The average college student lives primarily on Ramen noodles and Budweiser. Consider switching to Ramen broth and Bud Light.

4) Frown more often. Top facial-muscle scientists, when they’re not contorting their own faces in front of the mirror to make themselves guffaw and snigger, say that it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile. So why not frown a little more? You owe it to yourself. Sure, people may not want to hang out around you, but that just frees up your Friday nights so you can hang out at the gym with those guys who look like they’re carrying invisible briefcases.

5) Eat fewer eggs. Eggs are high in cholesterol and are a major component in leading to heart disease and obesity. Never eat eggs or products made with eggs such as Cadbury’s.

6) Do what my brothers did when they wrestled in high school: Spit in a cup and weigh it, to see how many pounds you’ve lost. I also recommend running laps in a full-body rubber suit, which I assume can be found at your local Fascinations Adult Superstore. These activities may cause extreme dehydration, so keep a six-pack of that light beer handy.

7) Purchase a man-eating animal such as a shark, Dixie Chicks front woman Natalie Maines or Kong. When you are headed for class in the morning, simply release the animal and let it chase you to class. If these beasts are not available, you may consider hiring a freelance ninja.

8) Eat more eggs, but only if you marinate them in light beer.

And there you have it! All the carefully researched information you’ll need on your way to becoming a thinner and better-looking you. I hope that by this time next year you’ll be able to look at yourself in the mirror and say, with full confidence, “Only a few more days, and it’s my turn on that bike.”

Rob Gartland is a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences