Stephen Colbert writes book. With words. PATRIOTIC WORDS.

Stephen Colbert is the greatest thing since sliced bread-which he knows a thing or two about, because it’s likely that he would admit to having invented it.

To fill the 23 1/2 hours of your day not spent glued to Comedy Central’s “The Colbert Report,” the former “Daily Show” correspondent has produced 230 pages of 100 percent truth for your further education.

I Am America (And So Can You!) (Hachette, Oct. 9) brings Colbert’s dry, right-wing political satire to print-and it works. Colbert has two personas: The actor is a husband and father of three, but he doesn’t play one on TV. The Colbert whom America has been forced to love (because of the Biblical imperative to love one’s neighbor) is an egotistical pundit who emphasizes his faith in the presidency-with a straight face. Colbert as a TV personality embellishes the Bill O’Reillys of the media climate to reveal the absurdity of their self-important functioning.

Divided into the sections “My American Childhood,” “My American Adolescence” and “My American Maturity,” I Am America tackles the important, divisive topics that the Democrats aren’t doing justice, such as “Old People” (Your Glasses Are on Top of Your Head), “Sex and Dating” (1001 Abstinence Positions) and “Science” (Thanks for the Nukes, Now Go Away). Comical notes in the margin comment on the author’s text, much like “The Word” segment on “The Colbert Report.”

The book includes hard-hitting diagrams (“Endangered Animals and Why They Are Unloved By God”) that only reinforce the importance of such a spot-on expert-Colbert-in today’s political climate.

In a world where humor is lost on the weak-minded and handball is just tennis for poor people, I Am America is a shining beacon of hope, expected to exceed the success of Jon Stewart’s 2004 effort, America (The Book).

Droll, ridiculous and insightful in his clueless brand of satire, Colbert has won over TV audiences and will soon triumph with this third foray into the publishing world. (His sci-fi comic Stephen Colbert’s Tek Jansen was released in July by Oni Press, and the actor collaborated with Amy Sedaris and Paul Dinello for 2003’s Wigfield: The Can-Do Town that Just May Not, published by Hyperion.)

The war would be lost without President George W. Bush, and the literary world would be lost without Colbert’s patient, divinely inspired guidance. Hold onto your hats, America-We’ve found our new Mark Twain.