UNews asks: Who wants to be a billionaire?

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What would you do with 1.5 billion dollars?

That seems to be the question on everyone’s mind as the Powerball lottery jackpot continues to grow to record heights. Though the odds of winning the grand prize are one in 292.2 million (for reference, you’re more likely to get crushed to death by a vending machine, but less likely to predict the entire NCAA tournament bracket perfectly), that hasn’t stopped the editorial board from engaging in America’s favorite fantasy: What would we do with an ungodly amount of money?

We realize, of course, that the smart thing to do would be to immediately hire a lawyer. A good one, too—we can afford it now. Everyone knows that lottery winners are guaranteed a lifetime of being hounded by friends and family for loans and handouts. We’ll legally secure our winnings from any distant relatives that spring out of the woodwork for their piece of the pie, as well as that one editor too cheap to chip in a few bucks for our ticket (you know who you are).

If greedy loved ones don’t upend your life, the sudden fame and fortune perhaps will. Though all but six states require the names of lottery claimants to be publicly released, we would also take efforts to preserve our anonymity, presumably by wearing masks, as winners have done in the past. We would also take extra caution not to publicly broadcast our identities. Like by publishing them in a newspaper, for instance.

Other suggestions include paying off student loans, travelling, buying a house for mom…you get the picture. We’re smart, fiscally responsible people. But that’s all boring. What would we really do?

Some of our wishes fell into the realm of absurdity; for example, purchasing new computers for the newsroom, or paying adjunct professors like real people. But we also considered more tangible, real-world concerns. We would begin with a complete overhaul of SLU’s cross-campus transportation. A pedestrian bridge over Grand and free parking for students would be fine additions—for a millionaire, maybe. But this is a billion dollars we’re talking about. We want a cable car over Grand and a free Segway and golf cart for every student, as well as an underground network of tunnels for the winter.

All this newfound luxury has made some of our older editors nostalgic for a simpler time. Which is why we’ll be bringing back the famous Salsarita’s, a SLU campus dining favorite that was gone too soon. Other returning throwbacks will be the SLUruba palm trees, student group Dumbledore’s Army and grass on campus.

We wouldn’t refrain from treating ourselves, of course. All UNews employees will be receiving  personal chefs and massage therapists immediately upon winning. Also  team uniforms, because we can.

Like many wealthy people, we would likely turn to philanthropy once our personal whims are filled. Our biggest move would be to purchase the St. Louis—excuse me, Los Angeles—Rams. However, instead of returning them to a city that clearly doesn’t appreciate them, we will be employing them as Saint Louis University’s second ever football team. If the NCAA objects to a professional team playing college ball, well, we’ll just have to buy the NCAA.

And finally, the computer mouse located at the opinion desk has proven to be utterly incapable of scrolling up and down. If it is indeed damaged beyond repair, which is believed to be the case, then, I’m afraid to say, a new mouse  simply must be purchased.