Scrutinizing Atlas, sort of

Back to Article
Back to Article

Scrutinizing Atlas, sort of

Hang on for a minute...we're trying to find some more stories you might like.

Email This Story

A breaking investigative report conducted by the University News Editorial Board has revealed that the ATLAS Program is actually an illegal front, organized by radical extremist social justice warriors, used to make students at SLU actually give a damn from time to time.

The ATLAS Program, whose “official” mission is to “Increase awareness of the global issues that confront us today in an effort not only to promote discussion, but to inspire and inform action.”  While this façade serves to placate administrative overseers and the casual donor or two, undercover investigation has discovered that the whole gig is secretly designed, created and repeated year after year to radicalize students and force upon them a sense of civic duty and international responsibility.

“Quite frankly,” said Haley, a female sorority member at SLU who asked to keep her last name unrevealed for fear of retribution from the aggressively benevolent organization, “I’m not comfortable with radical advocates forcing a doctrine of international education, cultural competency, and calls to action down my throat.  I want to be able to choose which social issue I care about for one week out of the year.”

When asked for comment, the ATLAS Program director confronted investigators with an obviously fake yet, genuinely confused reply.  “I honestly do not know what you mean.  All we do is hold events that encourage students to learn about areas outside of America, where is the harm in that?”

The harm, our crackpot investigative team found, lies in the collateral damage that such radical teachings will do to the social balances already at critical tipping point within the University.

“This will have huge negative impacts on campus aggregate happiness,” one undercover investigator within SLU heard an un-named Dean explain to a confused colleague.  “If our students learn that there are actual people experiencing actual poverty outside of the St. Louis region, their malleable little souls will certainly feel bad! Possibly even enough to plummet our current ratings in the recent “Universities with the Happiest Students” rankings.”

While higher-ups are ensuring that no actionable practices or follow-ups will be approved to act upon this new sense of care and charity brutally forced upon the student population, some students actually remain unaffected.

“Look,” said Joe Johnson, a critical symbol invented for this story to make you reexamine your own life, “I didn’t attend the Clock Tower Accords, I have never attended a candle-light vigil, hell, and I skipped out on the Oath of Inclusion Talk during welcome week!  Why the hell would international issues affect me anyways?”