“Live free and die well” is the rallying cry for the rebel army in Universal Pictures’ The Scorpion King. Apparently, living free does not include breaking from the rubric of action adventures.

This mix between Conan the Barbarian and The Mummy is filled with so much machismo and clich?d climaxes that the audience begins to wonder when the horse drawn carts will come into the theatre to throw free bread to the crowd-ala Gladiator. About an hour in, this film seems to beg to be put out of its misery.

The film is loosely based on the legend of the Scorpion King told in the movie, The Mummy Returns. Mathayus (The Rock) and his brother are skilled assassins hired to kill a sorcerer aiding the evil ruler of an army that is wiping out all the nomadic tribes within its reach. Mathayus takes the sorcerer hostage after his brother is savagely murdered in an ambush by the ruler, Memnon, (Stephen Brand).

As it turns out, the sorcerer, Cassandra (Kelly Hu), is a gorgeous damsel in distress working for Memnon against her will. Memnon will stop at nothing to get back his oracle, so he sends his armies to scourge the frontier and destroy all the nomads.

After winning the affection of Cassandra, Mathayus must rally the remaining bands of free people. With the help of foe-turned-friend Balthazar (Michael Clarke Duncan) and his troops, Mathayus and this motley crew must attempt to kill Memnon and end his reign of terror.

You could probably fill in the rest of the plot yourself.

The movie is plagued with predictable scenes, with the audience often responding to a joke or feat before it even plays out on screen. For a movie claiming to be a sweeping epic, there are no huge battle scenes.

Melees consist of no more than 15 men, and you keeping asking yourself, how can a story claiming to be 5,000 years old have so many British-speaking white people in it?

The Rock is not a bad action hero, he delivers the staple one-liners without looking like he is reading from a cue card and plays a good straight man to the obligatory comic relief sidekick.

Stephen Brand makes his feature film debut as a formidable bad guy. His performance drips with the blood of his innocent victims as the crowd takes an instant dislike to Memnon.

Hu is adequate as Cassandra, but while dressing in nothing but revealing clothes and gold-studded bikinis does not stretch her talents, it gives the audience plenty to look at. (It’s surprising how many scantily clad women can fit on screen at one time.)

The most enjoyable character was Arpid, played by Grant Heslov. Arpid is the talkative thief who accompanies Mathayus on his adventures and always has a sheepish joke or finds some type of humorous trouble to get into.

The special effects for the movie are nothing to marvel at. The film does, however, have some impressive action scenes involving flying arrows buzzing past Mathayus like bullets.

Also, the ancient city of Gomorrah looks real in many of the panoramic shots. The backdrop of the desert is so beautiful you almost wish there wasn’t a movie going on obstructing your view.

This film takes itself so serious that it becomes laughable. With hollow cries for freedom and destiny and silhouetted shots of the hero embracing his love in the moonlight, countered by some un-extraordinary action scenes and climax, one wonders if this is a farce. But, have no fear; irony has the last laugh.

As the movie comes to an end and the victors laud the newly crowned Scorpion King with “Live free and `rule’ well,”-it’s hard not to smile as the triumphant army enters Gomorrah, a city soon to have a serious sulfur problem.

Too bad the firestorm didn’t destroy the script, as well.

Grade: D-