Dear Becky: An Advice Column
Need some advice? Ask Becky here!
October 2023
FRIENDS
Hi, I’m struggling trying to make friends and I’ve tried going out of my comfort zone to speak to/meet people, but it just doesn’t feel like anyone cares enough to want to talk to me. I have bad anxiety, so just speaking to someone takes a lot out of me. I don’t have anyone and I’ve gone to some of the events on campus, but felt extremely anxious due to the overbearing feeling of loneliest & anxiety. I really want to make friends and develop relationships, but how do I do that when it feels like everyone doesn’t want me even speaking to them?
First of all, send me a message and hopefully we can speed up this friendship-making process and so that I can recommend specific kinds of clubs that pertain to your interest and style of socializing – and that goes for anyone who might be reading this! I say that because I was you. I felt the exact same way. I remember feeling so isolated. I was never a very important component in any friend group. I wasn’t really connecting with anyone because I was so much more focused on just making friends, any friends, rather than building deeper relationships with people who actually have common interests with me.
And just so you know, if you are a freshman, this is all part of the process. Freshmen typically don’t feel like they belong, that comes with moving to a new environment and having to rediscover themselves and constantly advertise themselves to others as to why they should be valued and loved. It’s hard. I get you. It’s all about, one, giving it time, and two, finding the right spaces. I know that’s hard because the list of clubs at SLU and all the community groups in STL can be so overwhelming, so I’d be so happy to help you figure that out.
Submission 1: As a freshman who doesn’t have high school friends at SLU, I never expected to already be having friendship issues… When you have someone who you feel like you should connect with more and the person isn’t giving you the same energy, what do you do?
Submission 2: I had a really good friend last year that I met at SLU. Since the beginning of the school year, she’s been blowing me off, canceling at the last minute, stuff like that. I was trying to ignore it, but then she canceled on my birthday and has been keeping things from me, which is weird bc we usually tell each other everything. Right now, I’m trying to decide if I want to continue this relationship. I’ve heard of friend groups changing from freshman to sophomore year, but I didn’t expect it to change so quickly. What should I do?
For submissions 2 and 3:
Someone you have to force to be your friend is not someone worth being friends with.
I used to be that person who begged for the bare minimum from my friends. There was even a point when I thought I was being ridiculous for asking for that much – solidified plans, not being ditched the night of, hearing from you not just when you need something – and that’s ridiculous that I, and you, were ever made to feel that way. Drop the dead weight! Freshmen year friends are painful, no exception. You will make way better ones, I promise. Friends you’ll actually have things in common with and who won’t ditch you on your birthday. The faster you let go of the friendships that don’t serve you, the faster you’ll connect with people who truly love every second they get to spend with you.
DATING
Dear Becky, I know I’m a sophomore, and I shouldn’t rush it, but how do I find a boyfriend. This is getting ridiculous. I go to school events, join clubs, but I just can’t find anybody. I don’t know, I’m starting to feel like I’m the problem. Please help!
Oh, goodness haha. I don’t know, I understand wanting a partner, of course. I just noticed that anytime in my personal experience that I was looking for a partner, I never found one of quality. When you’re actively searching for a partner, your standards naturally are lower because you’re looking for anything to fill that void. I promise, being single is way better than being totally manipulated by some senior frat guy… (no offense to senior frat guys, but you get the idea).
So my advice – be single, and be picky. Date around if you want. Ask yourself what it is about a relationship that is so appealing to you, and ask yourself, is that truly what a relationship is? Or is it just my fantasy of what one might be like? Basically, stop searching and it’ll probably save you a lot of time and heartache. The right person will come along when the time is right.
There’s a girl I like who has a boyfriend. They seem on and off, and she definitely flirts with me. Her friends think we should be together, what do I do?
This is really tricky. Generally, the rule of thumb is that if someone is in a relationship, you should give them space… but at the same time, if you did decide to confess your feelings to her and that led to her relationship falling apart, then the relationship wasn’t that strong to begin with. Honestly, I say tell her how you feel. Not just for the sake of expressing your own feelings, but also for her boyfriend’s sake. I would hate to have a girlfriend that is waiting around for a guy to confess his feelings to her. Though I will say, be cautious of two things:
1. You lose them the way you get them. If she leaves her boyfriend for you, she might leave you in the future if she finds someone else that she finds attractive or interesting. Slippery slope.
2. If she does respect her boyfriend at all, the friendship will totally collapse between you two if she doesn’t feel the same way and wants to stay with her partner.
So that being said, it’s a not-so-great situation for everyone involved, but if no one is straight up about their feelings this roller coaster isn’t going anywhere anytime soon, and things will be stagnant and uncomfortable for all three of you until you get the ball rolling and start with some candid confessions.
I’m a senior and so is my boyfriend. I love him so much. I’ve never been so happy, but I can’t stop worrying about the future. Should I enjoy the now, or just end it so I don’t get hurt ?
When you say “future”, what does that entail? Is there conflict coming up? Is the future really the only reason why you want to end it? Anytime someone tells me they’re considering breaking up with their partner, I always encourage them to really examine where those feelings are coming from. However, if it’s a situation like you’re going to grad school in California and he’s been promised a great gig out in New York, that’s another discussion — that takes some consideration.
It really is going to be specific to your situation, your limits, and your willingness to adapt — and no judgment in any regard! Now is just a good time to talk it over with your partner. Maybe go through this list and see what you come up with:
- Is there a clear threat that is in your future? If not, examine why you’re considering breaking up (i.e. is he lacking somewhere and won’t change? Are you hoping to have more independence? Are you bored? Etc…)
- If there is a hurdle, could you see the two of you working through it? Could you make a plan?
- Have you spoken to him about your feelings yet? Does he have any ideas?
2022-23 School Year
SCHOOL
Dear Becky,
My burnout and senioritis has been so bad. I have no motivation to go to classes and I can barely get any work done. How do I keep going?
Phewwww! I need this advice myself! I’m in my fourth year but still have time left because nothing here ever transfers. Becky needs a break man. What I do to survive mostly consists of leaning on my hobbies, caffeine, friends, and buying new highlighters. Reach out to the student support center and dean of students, too. You WILL make it! You are ⅞ of the way there!
Dear Becky,
So I HATE all of my classes and am not making friends in any of them. But I like my major and am a senior. How do I get through the year?
Because you’re a senior and you like your major, I definitely say push through it, but that doesn’t mean you have to be miserable. I’ve said before that you don’t have to be passionate about your job, and the same is true about your classes — you can always find your passions elsewhere. I encourage you to use this year to explore your passions. Whether that is a club, learning a skill, or reaching out to acquaintances who you never considered as potential friends before, filling this final year with opportunities to explore yourself isn’t something you’ll ever regret.
LIVING SITUATION
Dear Becky,
I just found out on Instagram that my dad (age 60 and long divorced from my mom) is dating someone my age. I don’t know if I should be grossed out or happy for them. How do I approach the topic with him? Or do I even acknowledge it at all?
Oh wow, this one is a doozy because there really is no right or wrong answer. The fact is, you have every right to be angry and uncomfortable with your father dating someone your age. There’s no appropriate reaction to inappropriate behavior. And there’s no right or wrong way for you to bring it up to him considering that you did absolutely nothing wrong. I’m so sorry that you’ve been put in this situation because I can’t imagine how uncomfortable I’d be to find that out, especially from social media instead of from him directly. You have every right to feel however you’re feeling.
Dear Becky,
My roommate has a new girlfriend and she is constantly at our apartment. I always feel like a third wheel and that they are rubbing their new love in my face. I don’t know what to do about it. I know I need to talk to them, because if I don’t I think I’ll snap at them soon, that would obviously be worse than addressing them directly. What should I say to them?
Hmm, this one is a tough situation just because I think I’d need to know more information to give the best suited advice. For example, I think I’d need to know more about what they’re doing to rub it in your face. Either way though, the fact that she’s there constantly isn’t alright and I think it’s totally fair that you tell your roommate that you’d prefer if they spent time at her place, too, because it makes you feel like a third wheel and a host in your home. Communication is key, so talking to them directly is best.
Dear Becky,
I’m on the top floor in my Village complex. Every night, even when my roommates and I are just walking, the floor below us ats our room number in the GroupMe telling us to stop stomping. We only stomped one night! Other than that we’ve tried to be quiet! I don’t know what to do, but we did a get a meme on Village Villain about it!
Becky says leave these poor Village folk alone! Y’all, put some headphones in! Play some music! They can’t help having heavy feet. Also, keyword, “roommates” with an S! You try to be quiet with that many pairs of dogs walking around.
FRIENDS
Dear Becky,
How do you make friends in college. I really want to make friends with people but everyone seems to already have a friend group or are closed off. What would you do?
Are you a freshman? I distinctly remember feeling this way when I was in my first semester. It seemed like everyone found friend groups so fast. The unfortunate thing about that though is that all of the groups that you’re seeing right now on socials hanging out every single night likely will split up next semester — that’s just how things go. Those quick-made friend groups, unfortunately, are often friends of circumstance. If you’re a freshman, please don’t worry, these things really do take time. If you’re not a freshman, my go to has always been to be straightforward, tell someone I think they seem cool, and ask for their socials. Very chill, lackluster way of getting a line of communication.
Dear Becky,
I get serious FOMO from seeing people going out & partying, but I don’t know who I trust & feel safe enough with to do those things. I graduate in the spring and I want to make the most of my college experience before it’s over.
I totally understand wishing for that experience. Do you have one good friend you could go with? A sibling? A high school friend? Your mom? Maybe even a friend from a class? I will say though, I don’t think you’re missing out on much — and anything you feel like you’re missing out on right now, try to remember that those things won’t go away after college. You can always go out even after you graduate, in fact that’s the best time to do it because you’ll likely actually have the money and work friends to do it with!
Dear Becky,
My former best friend and I had a messy falling out a couple years ago. We had mutual friends and it seems that those friends still associate with her (my former best friend). It bothers me that they are still friends with her because our falling out was extremely hurtful to me and there was a lot of things that she did that I deem unforgivable. I don’t want to be the type of person to tell others who they can/can’t be friends with, but I’m not sure how else to approach the situation. Should I just continue to pretend that this doesn’t bother me so that there isn’t more drama?
I have been in this situation so many times, and as gut wrenching and terrible and awful as it is, it is best to let your friends figure out on their own if she is worth being friends with. Friendship with both of you isn’t mutually exclusive, and if your ex-bff tells them rumors about you, and they believe it, that’s on them. It sucks being the bigger person, but it will make you look (and feel) better in the long run. Don’t force people to respect you, it just never works.
Dear Becky,
I’m a senior & I honestly still don’t feel like I have a support system here. I wasted time trying to please people I don’t really like and I’ve been stuck living with them since sophomore year. It may be too late for me but any advice for people who might be in the same situation or to help prevent them from making the same mistakes I did?
But it doesn’t end here. You have so much time to meet people who will add richness to your life. Forgive yourself for people pleasing because chances are, when you were in it, it looked more like loyalty and reliability to the people who you thought you loved. I encourage you to live and work somewhere after this where there are an abundance of young, exciting people (the Grove, Soulard, Delmar…) and start fresh. The beauty of this age is the ability to reinvent yourself and try again.
DATING
Dear Becky,
I’m going to college next year and I don’t know if I should stay with my boyfriend. We’ve been together for a while now but I feel like it would be stressful for me to do long distance. I lost most of my high school years so I want to be able to explore during college. What do I do?
I have been with my partner for four years. For three of those four years, we have gone to different colleges hours apart. It was difficult at first. Heartbreaking. There was jealousy sometimes. Insecurity, fear, and missing each other. This lead to candid conversations, building incredible trust, finding new ways to express our love and have engaging conversations from a distance. It was painful at first, sure, but it was the most life changing experience for us both. We have learned so much about ourselves, and each other. We have developed separate identities, separate groups of friends, separate hobbies – then at the end of the night, we reconvene and tell each other all about it.
I think we would’ve really struggled to build our own identities if we lived in the same place, because the truth is that we are clingy. We are best friends. If we had the option, we’d go everywhere together, and all we’d ever be known as is the other’s partner. We both have really appreciated this challenge – and the ways in which it has established our own unique identities and helped us build incredible communication skills and trust for one another.
That being said, it isn’t for everyone. For some, if their partner isn’t right in front of them, it can be difficult to stay motivated to work on the relationship. If you are going into your first year with the desire to explore your options, then I think you have answered your own question. There is nothing wrong with that. And that being said, you know yourself. If you know long distance isn’t for you, save yourself the hardship. Make the choice that is right for you, your relationship, and the circumstances. I support you either way!
Dear Becky,
I really like this guy and I feel like he likes me and he’s super flirtatious around/with me but he just got into a relationship like one week ago and I’m just so confused and obviously don’t want to pursue anything if he’s in a relationship but I just don’t know what to do.
Yiiiiiikes! I would say that if he is in a relationship, he made his choice, love. I think it’s totally fine to wait for him (for the potential of trying a relationship together if he ever leaves his current one), but I wouldn’t interfere. I know it hurts, but you deserve someone who will choose you!
Dear Becky,
I got a crush on a coworker. We get along very well but it feels weird if I ask her to hang outside of work. What should I do?
Simple: the Snapchat to soulmates pipeline. Snapchat is a gateway drug. This works for romantic interests and platonic ones.
STEP ONE: Ask for their Snapchat.
STEP TWO: Swipe up on their story occasionally. If they don’t post, add them to a private story where you post casually – the plot is thickening.
STEP THREE: Talk with them, ask them work related questions randomly, then work it in that you think they’re cool and you want to hang out sometime!
Or, you can just skip steps 1-3 and just ask them. Worst they can say is no!
Dear Becky,
I like this guy but I don’t know if I can commit. He’s not seeing anyone else but I just don’t know if I can do the same. The idea of being in a relationship is great and I have been in a very long term one before but I just can’t imagine trusting someone like that again. What if I commit and get hurt? How do you even trust someone???
Is your gut telling you you’re not ready? The fact is, I could go into grand detail about how you could adapt to monogamy again. I could give you a step-by-step guide. But be honest, would you be ready to read and follow it? This is a question and a journey only you can guide yourself on, and if your gut is telling you that now isn’t the time, I say trust it. Additionally, I would be honest with him about that. He may be willing to cheer you on and heal alongside you until you’re ready.
Dear Becky,
My girlfriend keeps ordering me around and being emotionally manipulative, but it’s my first relationship and I’m scared I won’t be able to find someone better. Should I break up with her?
“I’m scared I won’t be able to find someone better,” – listen, totally valid fear, but answer me this: is being with someone who doesn’t treat you with compassion truly better than being with no one at all? You will find the right person even if it isn’t her. But does being single scare you? Do you think it’s possible you could feel fulfilled in your own company? I urge you to dive deep to find these answers – with or without this girlfriend. I don’t think you need my answer, I think by asking, you’re already on the right track.
Dear Becky,
I impulsively DM a guy I had a crush for about a year now on Instagram. Where I basically asked him if he has a girlfriend currently or not, if he likes me back and want to date or not? For each if question there a yes or no option for example if he have a girlfriend or S/O right now I apologize and told him to ignore my request. If he not interested back in me I said cool but if he is interested in me I told him to respond back and say something. Anyway this was done very impulsively in the midst of study for my biochem exam, and I am freaking out right now because I pretty sure he will either have a girlfriend or reject me straight up. This is the first man I liked since my first love and I really like like him. What should I do?
Given that this was submitted a while before my answer will be published, I wonder if I’m too late! Some timeless advice I have is that if things don’t go as hoped, try to understand that sometimes life takes turns that you really really hate at first. But try to appreciate those difficult experiences as a small piece of a great big journey to get you where you’re supposed to be. I hope it went well, love, and if it didn’t, I hope this bump in the road guides you to someone else, better, who will love you for you.
Dear Becky,
My ex boyfriend cheated on me. I can’t handle letting him go because I’m scared of change and he was so comfortable for me. how can I trust again and accept that he wouldn’t have done it if he truly loved me?
Change is horrifying! Right? But I have a golden question that I always ask my friends who are stuck in these situations: do you see yourself doing this with them for the rest of your life? The only thing worse than delaying the inevitable is the idea that you may actually be trapped with a shithead forever. I can’t stress enough how amazing a good breakup feels after you’ve been holding onto that dry, heavy rope for years. He doesn’t deserve you! Step into your healing era.
Dear Becky,
I went on a first date with a guy this Sunday and it’s like the first time I actually do that cause I usually just go for hookups. Now for the second date it’s dinner and a movie at his place. So i kinda know what he’s thinking by taking me to his place but for some reason I thought maybe he was kinda different. Am I dumb for thinking that? and for wanting an actual relationship during college? Or like, am I wrong to assume that’s what he wants?
I say wait and see, and chances are if you’re reading this, you already had your date. I will say though, home movie dates don’t inherently mean hookups. And sometimes they do, but hookups don’t inherently rule out a real connection and lovely relationship. Take a roll call with your brain and body and see what you want in that moment, and be incredibly clear with him about what kind of relationship you’re hoping for beforehand. I really hope it went as planned! (It is cuffing season after all).
Dear Becky,
How do you be content with being romantically alone?
It takes time to fall in love with yourself. It’s not something that is talked about much, but it’s the same way you fall in love with someone else. For me, it was about enjoying my own company, talking sweetly to her, cooking for her, reading her favorite books with her, taking her to her favorite restaurants. Observe your relationship with you — are you making them feel exhilarating? Attractive? Mysterious?
Then, if you decide to have a relationship with someone else, you will have had so much practice loving you that you’ll know exactly how to make them feel special.
Dear Becky,
As an introvert, I find talking to strangers really daunting, but I’d like to meet people and to one day be in a relationship. So, how do I talk to someone without making it weird?
Honestly, I struggled with this in the same way. It always helped me to meet people online first, then meet them in a public place where the conversations naturally flow (the movies, a club meeting, a class — somewhere that the focal point of the conversation isn’t you) or I also did well if I hung out with people in groups of three outside of my home to eliminate the hosting aspect and to add more people to the conversation.
I also know what it feels like to want to crack the code of small talk, interviews, and ordering takeout. If you’re looking for help with that specifically, I can put you in touch with some resources for social awareness. Dm @theunews on Instagram and they will put you in touch with me!
Dear Becky,
I think I might be in love with my best guy friend, but I don’t want to ruin the friendship, also have no clue if he thinks the same. What do I do??
I’ve heard this line many times, the “I don’t want to ruin the friendship,” line — but I have one question, and one statement:
- Q: Would you date someone who you don’t already have an amazing friendship with?
- S: Romance doesn’t ruin friendships, it expands them into new territories.
Sure, there’s a chance you may get together and break up, but if you break up it is for a reason — in that scenario, you weren’t compatible, and that would be true whether the relationship was romantic or platonic. I say you should go for it. The worst he can say is no, if so, all you have to do is take no for an answer. The friendship likely can’t move forward with big feelings left unsaid. Any answer is closure — my partner and I were best friends for over a year before our relationship began!
Dear Becky,
I was at a gathering and met a person that I felt an immediate connection with, which I haven’t felt in awhile. At first it was the typical meeting, we introduced ourselves, what year we are, and of course what majors. We both apparently happened to be pre-law too. After that we kind of went our separate ways, since I was looking for my friends, which I literally couldn’t find. Then we ran into each other again, and talked even more. We stood there and talked about ourselves more. Which to my surprise, we happened to come from the same ethnic region. I then left to go find my friends again and finally found them. Afterwards I went and waited for the bathroom, and of course the person who came out was them. Now at this point, my brain was like, “yea this is exactly how a coming of age teenage romance movie starts””. We both went back into the bathroom and started talking yet once again. I find out that we had the same, if not similar interests, and they also was passionate about social justice and social issues as much as I did. We also exchanged numbers. We talked for some time and people started to pound on the bathroom door annoyed that we were hogging the bathroom, so we moved to a different room and continue talking. Mind you our conversation was really deep. Like we talked about our ethnic identities, how our families immigrated here, and how we overcame the hardships of fully being proud of our ethnic identities. They also knew informations about my roots that regular people usually didn’t and that really made me more attracted to them. Before I left I asked if they wanted to get coffee and they agreed. But just a couple of minutes after I texted them and asked where they wanna go get coffee, to which I got no response. Then the next day I found a picture we took together and sent it to them, and you bet…NO response. However they had the audacity to follow me back on Instagram?! Anywho my dilemma is it makes no sense. Why would you spend so much time having a deep and meaningful conversation with someone to just disappear afterwards. What gets me the most was it was purely conversational, nothing else. Any advice to forget this dilemma of mine?
Are you sure they didn’t accidentally give you the wrong number? My guess is that if they intended to ghost you, they wouldn’t follow you back. I would dm them and just be kind, calm, and straightforward: “Hey! I just wanted to check in, I tried texting your number but I never heard back, is everything okay? If you’re not interested in talking anymore that’s totally okay!” Then, if they have an explanation, the friendship isn’t ruined by this confrontation and it provides room for truth without pressure or misunderstanding. I hope it works out, and I’m rooting for you!
Dear Becky,
Ok so I have a really big crush on a friend/acquaintance of mine, but I’m usually the first person to reach out and she takes forever to respond to my texts. She’ll usually apologize and say she was busy, but I’m starting to think she found out about my crush and is trying to let me down easy. What do you think?
I think if she wanted to, she would — the only thing worse than an unrequited crush is a relationship where you’re the only one putting in any of the effort. So, if she is into you, then that means this is what it looks like when she is interested, and that’s not good enough. You deserve someone who will put in their all anytime they can. Don’t settle for any less!
Dear Becky,
Ok, so I matched with this guy on Tinder about a year ago. We basically became friends over time and have never officially gone out; but I always get a flirty vibe everytime we see each other. I’m down so bad and I want him to ask me out on a real date but I also don’t know if it should be me who asks him out? Please help!
I was the one to ask my partner out some years ago and now we are talking about marriage after graduation. Make the first move! Both of you deserve to be in relationships despite whatever dumb rules our grandparents made up about gender roles. You do what you feel is right — but additionally, watch out for red flags. There is a chance that he is truly afraid of rejection, but there’s also a chance that this is a “if he wanted to, he would,” situation. I say be prepared for both scenarios, but I think it’s worth the risk.