Being a critic is not easy. It is not just telling people that
what they do is bad, it is being able to accurately describe why
what they do is bad. This is where things get tricky. Given the
right amount of exposure, anyone can form an opinion about
something. The only determinant that separates the critic from the
Monday-morning quarterback is the ability to convey their opinion
in such a way that other people will believe that the critic is
right.

For instance, no one cares if you say, “This band sucks, dude.”
However, if you were to say, “The vocalist had a weak, tinny sound,
which was overpowered by the Neanderthal drumming and derivative
guitar riffs. This band sucks, dude,” then people will actually
take what you say seriously.

One of the best ways to describe how something is bad is by
using references to similar pieces of art, so that people have a
base for comparison. To say a movie is a modern-day Ishtar
conveys that the story is hackneyed and the directing is
horrible, yet still got major attention because of its stars (in
this case Warren Beatty and Dustin Hoffman).

In other words, it is destined to be a box-office bomb in
proportion to Waterworld; see how much references help?

References also give the critic weight in the medium being
discussed. Anyone can use obvious references, but it is the critic
who is able to use references that will amaze and delight audiences
in their esoterica. It is unimpressive to say a band sounds like
U2, because most every band sounds like U2 at some point or
another.

Instead, say that a band sounds like a mix of late-’70s Captain
Beefheart with a post-Peter Gabriel Genesis. No one knows what this
means, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that whatever the
critic says from this point onward sounds informed.

Another great tool of the critic is subdividing genres into
sub-categories. Rock as a genre is dead. Every band that comes out
these days is called a rock band, which helps no one when deciding
whether to purchase the album.

Now, lo-fi indie no-wave is a great category; it is specific,
descriptive and only about four bands fit in it. So, when a fan of
lo-fi indie no-wave hears that another band is lo-fi indie no-wave,
it is a given that this person will like said band. To be a true
critic, though, a person must reference a band as Nuggets-era
garage pop at least once in their lifetime. Otherwise, that person
is just a pretender to the throne.

The profession of critic is an ancient and noble one. Granted,
it wasn’t the first profession, but odds are that the critic
arrived shortly after, to judge the first performance.

Here is another idea to ponder the next time that critics seem
obsolete: If it were not for the critic, spandex would still be a
rock requirement and Steve Gutenberg might still have a career.