Ladies and gentlemen of the class of 2008, welcome to the
wonderful world of higher learning, Billiken-style. The glories (or
horrors) of high school have come and gone, leaving one final
summer to bookend a fleeting childhood.

So while you’re still at home, hug your parents, cherish the
nightlife and tell the guy or gal that you’ve dreamed about for
four years that it’s not too late to make out for lost time. By
Christmas break, these days will seem like ancient history.

I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to hug and thank
your parents every day before school starts. Sure, it’s a nice
thing to do, but it also lessens the emotional maelstrom that
accompanies move-in day. You see, there are 16 floors in the
Griesedieck Complex, but only two elevators to shuttle its
residents up and down the building.

If you’re on the fifth floor, this isn’t a big deal, but odds
are you’ve landed on the 13th. Gratitude is important when dear old
dad wrenches his back while hauling your fridge up the stairs,
refusing to wait another 30 “f-ing” minutes for the elevator. Be
sure to pack ear plugs, because the sweltering temperatures
guarantee that the only thing drowning out daddy’s blue streak of
profanity will be a mob of sweating mothers chanting “I look like
hell.”

Hopefully your roommate isn’t a complete weirdo, but should that
13th floor luck extend to the roomie, at least you have an excuse
to explore campus. Avoid the temptation to dress up for the
occasion. College students are slobs, glorious slobs, and you can
either fight it or revel in it.

Wearing hair gel and actually shaving before class? Why don’t
you just stamp “freshman” on your forehead in radioactive ink?
Ladies, anything other than a ponytail will warrant the unbridled
hatred of your sleep-deprived female classmates whose curling irons
gather dust until the weekend.

Once you’re officially ready for that stroll through the Quad,
it’s high time to ingratiate yourself into the SLU social scene.
Once again, ignore the urge to tell each and every Billiken your
life story, particularly anything related to high school. Your
elder classmates have survived finals, 20-page papers and nightmare
internships … we don’t care about your varsity letters.

Fortunately, your fellow freshmen do. Tell your stories,
embellish where necessary, and accrue some of those “lifelong
friends” that you are entitled to as a college student. But, in
your quest for genuine camaraderie, don’t forget to pick up a few
“functional friends.” These include a local with a car, a guy with
a fake I.D. and someone with an older sibling on campus who knows
dozens of attractive members of the opposite sex.

That last individual is crucial to ensuring that your four years
of freedom are spent staring at more than library books. College is
the last time in your life where having $5 in your pocket and 10
numbers in your cell phone can still translate to a great time.
Making grades is an admirable goal, but remember kids–it’s not a
walk of shame, it’s a stride of pride.