Jane Fonda has nothing on me. In less than three years, I have
perfected the 35-40 minute workout, all without ever having to wear
a leotard or marry Ted Turner. Granted, she probably made millions
selling her workout tapes to soccer moms and perverted old men, but
I’m far more philanthropic with my knowledge. In fact, I will
divulge my workout secrets for free, just for you.

I start out my workout with a nice 13 lap run around the Simon
Recreation Center track, which in English units is around one and
three-quarter miles (7.5 laps equals one mile, so you do the math).
Some people like to run for longer than this, and that is okay.
However, it is better to run faster for a short distance than to
run slowly for a long distance; this way, you can look all cool and
athletic as you pass all the slow people.

I have the stamina and attention span of a five-year-old just
after eating a bag of Cheetos, so this kind of running fits me
perfectly. With a cool-off included, this run usually lasts around
15 minutes.

After running, it is time to go to the weights area. I think it
is at this time that I must state that I am in no way an expert in
weight lifting. I was on the golf team in high school, for Pete’s
sake. The closest I got to the weight room in high school was the
storage room where I kept my golf clubs during the day. Thus, I
have a very limited knowledge of the different muscles and stances
and maneuvers and such. Basically, I try to find machines and
exercises that, even I do them horribly wrong, won’t kill me. This
is why sit-ups are integral to my workout: if anyone ever got hurt
doing a sit-up, then they have far bigger problems than some flab
around the belly. One can also do a lot of sit-ups in a short
amount of time, so it is quite comparable to all those ab rollers
and other such devices. I can usually do about three sets of 30 in
about 5-10 minutes.

Also, these exercises must look far more impressive and
complicated than they actually are. For instance, the dumbbell
push-up thingy (I think the technical term is the dumbbell press,
but I figured the other name is far more descriptive and helpful)
is very simple, yet looks really cool. This workout involves lying
on a workout bench and pushing some dumbbells up into the air.
Depending on the weights — start small and work up fast — three
sets of 10 is a solid burn in around 10 minutes. This does real
well on the chest and arms, which is always good with the
ladies.

When I don’t do the dumbbell push-up thingy, I like working on
those lovehandles with the
lying-sideways-dumbbell-pull-up-doohickey exercise–if there is a
technical term for this exercise I don’t know it. There is an
apparatus in the gym where people can lie at an angle on their side
without falling off. If you can’t find it, ask someone wearing
those gloves with the fingers cut out; odds are, they will know
what I’m talking about. Anyways, lie sideways on this thing, with a
dumbbell hanging down on one arm. Without using the arm, pull up
the dumbbell using only the side stomach muscles (obliques,
maybe?). Doing two sets of 15 on each side works pretty well, and
takes up very little time as one side rests while the other is
being worked. Adding up the different time for each exercise, it
results in a pretty complete workout in about 35-40 minutes. Wow,
that’s really easy.

Now, this might seem like a small workout, but it is just what
one needs in order to work out without spending a lot of time at
the gym. Frankly, I don’t how people can spend two hours at the
gym. Unless people are doing off-season training for a sport, it
seems awfully silly to spend so much time building up the body for
nothing.

I can’t remember the last time I was in a fight against a metal
bar; the same could probably be said for most of those people as
well.

When and if this does happen, I would imagine those people would
kick that bar’s ass. Until that time comes, my little workout does
just fine for me, as it will for you.

Drew Ewing is a senior studying aerospace
engineering.