On Monday, the students of Saint Louis University made a very important decision. They used the power of democracy to decide the fate of the future Student Government Association.
Although most students probably ignored this important day in favor of playing "Grand Theft Auto Vice City," or creating a new drinking game, this day was vital for democracy.
Yet, like the most recent presidential election, the contending candidates lacked revolutionary ideas.
Therefore, I will preview SLU if I were elected SGA president. Although I could not compete, because I graduate in May, I will highlight college life in the surreal world of the Ruther Dynasty.
Money is vital for any president, so I would eradicate all funds for the potential basketball arena. Why should the school give money to a team that can't even crack the NIT?
We shouldn't, so I would take the $70 million for the arena, and put it to much better use.
The first order under the Ruther Dynasty would create a constant shuttle bus to East St. Louis. The great clubs across the river are often overlooked.
These fine establishments provide quality entertainment and offer great stress relief.
My next move would be to create prime on-campus dining. I would destroy the Gries dining hall and replace it with a giant Courtesy Diner. Healthy meals, such as slingers, would be offered 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
Because of this radical move, the entire toilet system would need a serious overhaul.
Due to the slinger-related problems, every stall on campus would be equipped with a bidet.
This drastic move would not only give SLU some European flavor, but also alleviate any possible tree bark on the walk to class.
Upon the completion of this work, I would destroy the soccer field. Of course I know our soccer team is nationally ranked, but it's soccer-need I say more?
I would give the students two options for this newly available space. They would vote and decide on either a giant pirate ship, equipped with a plank and surrounding shark filled water for pirate reenactments, or a giant, domed dodgeball court with a retractable roof.
Another important move would be the depletion of the Department of Public Safety. To ensure safety I would hire angry trolls.
No longer would students have to worry about car hijackings, because no one wants to get in the way of an angry small person.
The last order of the Ruther Dynasty would simply remodel the SLU-ruba swimming pool. The newly renovated pool would include a bar for those of age, multiple hot tubs and of course the essential grotto.
This renovation is completely unnecessary, but it fulfills personal interests. I have always wanted to pour Cristal all over chicks in a hot tub, ever since I saw the Jay-Z "Big Pimpin" video.
Imagine life under the Ruther Dynasty. Slingers, pirates, hot tubs and never-ending access to East St. Louis.
It's a shame this world is about as real as students actually voting on election day.
