Tara Reid is dating Jesse Metcalfe. That's right, folks. Last Wednesday, she was spotted "flirting with" him at Us Weekly's Young Hot Hollywood Style Awards in L.A.
I don't know about the rest of you, but I was glad to hear it. Our hot young Hollywood party girl has finally found herself a man.
Or has she? She has been known to be a bit of a flirt, so maybe she's just fooling around. I'll keep my fingers crossed if you do.
In other news, Britney Spears is pregnant! How excited are you? I'm excited, believe me.
Not only does that mean she is definitely committed to her husband, what's-his-face, her backup dancer, this also means that her hot genes are officially not going anywhere. I hope it's a girl!
And Russell Crowe yelled at a fan who asked him for an autograph in a restaurant. I don't know about you, but I would be pretty scared to have the Gladiator himself yelling at me. Jeez, I hope he doesn't have a sword on him!
None of this is news. All of it is useless information. I can guarantee that the size of Britney Spears' pregnant tummy will have no bearing on the future of humanity whatsoever. I really have yet to comprehend how any of this could possibly be reported as if any of us cared.
I guess it's because we do.
We can't help it. I can't. Other than the selection of the new pope, I really haven't heard anything about real news lately. I don't know anything about events in Iraq, or social security, or crime. I just learned a few weeks ago about a school shooting that happened in March. Yet, every day, I open an Internet Explorer window, and the headlines of any news page are the things I just listed above.
I suppose it has something to do with the fact that the news media knows this is what will sell. I know it will. I would rather hear about Tara Reid than about suicide bombers and genocide.
We live in a culture that relies on escapism as our entertainment and news. We don't rely on facts in the traditional sense of the word. We hear something from one news source and take it to be true, regardless. I know people who actually thought John Kerry wanted to ban all guns in our country. I guess they overlooked the fact that he's an avid hunter as well.
Our facts, our news, are that of celebrities-people we wish we were. I wish I were as chiseled as Russell Crowe. Why not live vicariously through these people, pretending to live their lives, which in large part are probably fabricated?
Screw real news. I want to know where Jessica Simpson eats, so I can be amazed by the fact that she's also a living, breathing human being that requires sustenance, just like me. Wow, maybe I could come up with an idea for a TV show as good as "The Newlyweds." Wait, no I couldn't.
My plan this summer is to ignore this tripe. I could really care less if Tara Reid dates one guy or another or turns lesbian or whatever. I want to know more about real news. I heard the new pope is an ex-Hitler youth. I need to look into this. I feel this is an important thing to know. I urge all of you, when you go home over the summer, not to watch MTV too much, or any of that other crap they try to feed you, because they think you want to hear it. You don't care, and you know you don't care. As a matter of fact, what are you doing reading this? You just learned a bunch of useless celebrity trivia that you don't need. It's taking up space in your brain! Do something to forget it, fast. Turn the page and read about the new graduation tax. Do you find it unfair? Then say something! Use your time to better yourself, and have a good summer. I'll see everybody this fall, probably.
Marshall Johnson is a sophomore studying English.
