According to a map of Saint Louis University’s Frost Campus, there are 63 buildings in the plot of land between Lindell, Laclede, Compton and Grand. Add in Reinert—which I usually don’t—and that makes 64. While all of these buildings are assigned different departments and purposes, there is one very natural, very human need that they all fulfill. Each of them has a bathroom. While I do not purport to have visited every commode on campus, I have taken careful note of the ones I have visited.

At its best, a bathroom is forgettable. It meets the needs of the individual without leaving any noticeable impression. At its worst, a bathroom is an experience one cannot forget. Saint Louis University encompasses the whole bathroom experience in its 271 acres. In this article, I will be reviewing the bathrooms of Cook, DuBourg, Macelwane, Monsanto, Ritter, the Rec Center, Tegler, Xavier, the Lecture Halls and the BSC.

The Cook School of Business has a lot going for it. The building itself is new, pretty and occasionally has free breakfast for some reason. While its bathrooms are not adequately spaced, the ones it has are always clean, odorless and the appliances are brand new. I have only attended this building for a theology course. The bathrooms in Cook Hall provided a much-needed relief from the eyes of God. Cook Hall bathrooms get a 4.5/5 because they’re great, but there aren’t enough of them.

Ask me a year ago what I thought of the DuBourg bathrooms and I would have said, “you mean the ones that smell like drywall and aren’t available for use?” But now I wouldn’t say that because they’re open, and they’re brand new. Great water pressure, new toilets, and frequent cleaning make DuBourg an excellent choice for the discerning bathroom-goer. I was one of the first people to use these new lavatories. The downside to this was that they had forgotten to supply toilet paper. The upside was that they had forgotten to remove the key to the toilet paper dispenser. So I took it, and promptly lost it. DuBourg gets a 4.8/5.

Macelwane’s bathrooms are consistently clean, and I’ve been there enough times to recite the sign reminding women that toilet paper is a solid waste. They function well, they never smell, and I never have to dry my hands on my pants. I think their signs that ask people not to squat on the toilets are working too because I never have to hover. 4/5 because the tile is hideous and no one wants to look at themselves under fluorescents.

Monsanto’s bathrooms would probably be cleaner if Chem Lab students stopped wetting their pants and stress vomiting: 2/5.

I’ve only used a Ritter bathroom once but I remember thinking, “this is literally the worst SLU bathroom that I’ve ever been in.” It achieved the bathroom version of rubbing salt in the wounds by not only being disgusting, but by having no soap with which to wash one’s hands. My only theory for how these bathrooms could have gotten so gross is that the janitors kept revealing themselves as math prodigies a la “Goodwill Hunting.”  1/5 because the stalls still functioned and water alone is only marginally better than soap as long as you scrub properly.

The Rec Center bathrooms are always clean, and even if they aren’t, I wouldn’t know because the chlorine fumes from the nearby pool give the illusion of cleanliness. They’re always well stocked and all the stall doors work properly­—ironic, considering it’s the only room on campus where nudity is appropriate. 4.9/5 because none of their scales are accurate and the freshman fifteen is a myth.

On the whole, the Xavier bathrooms are the toilet of the university. They receive a 0/5 for having no hot water, broken stall doors, and constantly clogged toilets. The individual bathroom on floor one, however, is awarded a 5/5 because it is newly renovated and often features live music from the adjacent practice room.

The Lecture Hall bathroom reminds me of an airport bathroom. Everyone looks like they’ve just finished a flight from BIO and have four minutes to catch their connecting flight to CHEM. Also, much like an airport bathroom, there are bags all over and everyone refuses to make eye contact. If there were more crying children and fewer crying adults, it would be just like Newark: 2/5.

Finally, you really can’t go wrong with the BSC. Even if one stall is out of toilet paper, there are a dozen others you can choose from. It’s clean, new, and there are full length mirrors. 4.95/5 because the biohazard waste container on the wall makes me nervous.