In politics today, the only thing more important than collecting votes is collecting money. And what do politicians want to buy with all this money?
Television time, of course. Everyone from George Stephanopolous to George Will has offered their two cents about the rising importance of TV commercials in the turn-of-the-century political arena. This is an obvious conclusion. But what political advisors, candidates, theorists and amateurs haven’t figured out is that all of that money is mostly wasted. That’s right. Political ads might do their job, but the job they do is not worth the money spent.
What would happen if politicians really started to sell themselves? What if they fought to get everybody’s attention, not just the 40 percent of us who vote? Well, I guess we’d become a democracy again.
First, we will show George Bush in a big Texas field, holding a plank from his hand-me-down conservative platform. We will all watch stunned as George bounces a copy of the Federal Clean Air Law, and passes the plank around his back, and between his legs. And then, ala Tiger Woods, drive it right into the Gulf of Mexico.
See? Action, showiness and fun-without George ever having to speak. Don’t worry about the public understanding what he stands for: that is unnecessary.
My second example is set in a dark wood. We see Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani racing each other through the forest. But suddenly, in a series of blurs and jerky camera work, we see Rudy trip over a root and the ground swallows him up. But the root unlocks a mysterious wrinkle in the forest canopy, and countless amounts of campaign contributions fall on Hillary, who then collects them in her bonnet.
And finally, the most exciting piece: It opens with Al Gore speaking to a group of seventh graders, who are momentarily asleep all over each other, with a few growing facial hairs. Suddenly, Al spins to look at the source of a rumble coming from the side of the stage. A Mardi Gras parade crashes through the wall, and begins to be sucked down Al’s throat. Al’s jaw snaps shut behind the last of the euphoric Creoles, and he quickly turns to the newly rejuvenated school kids, and begins to launch in to a speech eerily similar to his acceptance speech from Los Angeles.
The kids are at a feverish level of excitement as Al finishes and kisses Tipper with a lip lock similar to a scene from Romeo and Juliet.
Now, see how much fun politics could be if the industry would just wake up?
Welcome to the turn of the century, where we no longer have prim and proper families smiling at each other as they describe to us why we should by Shake and Bake products. No, this is new TV, and we don’t want to be convinced; we want to be entertained.
If you do that, we’ll promise to buy your message, and heck, that might even get you elected.
