A friend asked me, “Paul, let’s say we look at the Presidential campaign as a baseball game. Based on the Wash. U. debates, who wins?” So we thought it through, and here is what we figured out:

First of all, the game would be delayed about three months because Manager Bush would refuse to agree to the contest until all of his points were met. Well, this goes round and round, and finally Gore decides that for the good of the fans, they’ll just play the game at Bush’s home field, which was built by George’s daddy.

As soon as the game is set, both teams recruit the top players for their squads. The players are reluctant, but eventually each chooses a team based on who offers the biggest part of the projected surplus that will result from the ticket sales.

Each team complains that they aren’t getting the best baseball education. Gore tells his players that instead of hiring private coaches, he simply holds his coaches more accountable. In a very inspiring locker room speech, Gore tells his players, “The key to our future is season-long education! We must continue to hold all players accountable for their own play. That is why I’m relieved to know that I invented batting practice.” Most of the players don’t understand Gore, but they play hard anyway, taking pride in their rigorous new training.

On Bush’s team, the players unhappy with the training are allowed to continue to accept their paychecks while practicing with other teams. This pretty well deflates Bush’s practices, but he doesn’t mind. It gives him more time to go to the local bar, drink beer, and talk about all the great baseball games he played in down in Texas.

Next Bush decides fans will receive a part of their ticket price back as a thank you for purchasing said tickets. Gore complains that the refunds don’t work because only those purchasing the most expensive tickets get any real discount. Bush simply counters that they paid the most in ticket prices.

Now the managers promote themselves to the fans. It turns out that Bush has never really played, much less coached, baseball, but he has seen some games on TV, and so he is still pretty qualified for the job. When asked how many outs are in an inning, Bush responds that he doesn’t know but he has plenty of people around him who do.

Coach Al gives a very boring speech about the details of the hit and run, and strategies on when to shift the outfield with a left handed batter who is right footed, with an 8 mph wind blowing in from the coast. No one was really able to follow what he said, but they were all pretty impressed.

Coach Dubya promises that if people root for his team, he will end the fighting amongst ball clubs by becoming a bi-partisan coach.

Finally the coaches decide to sell out, and offer corporations the right to name the teams. Hundreds of businesses cashed in on the advertising, and soon the player’s jerseys were stiff as straight jackets from all of the sponsorships. Secretly, the coaches each promise to let the companies make all of the managerial decisions.

Many of the fans listen to a third manager, who went all through the town complaining about how the other two wouldn’t let him play. Despite showing up at the gate with a ticket, none of the people working the turnstiles would let him in.

As the coaches walk to the plate conference to discuss the rules-followed by five CEOs apiece-the fans are eager to see the outcome of such an anticipated game. As soon as they got there, George apologizes about the oil wells in the outfield, but simply says that they would have to play around that. Al makes a comment under his breath about “what a daddy’s boy,” but the conference begins.

And then quickly halts. As each rule comes up, the coaches begin to bicker. Bush complains that Gore is making too many faces, and keeps getting the last word. Al complains that Bush didn’t know what he is talking about, and shouldn’t even be allowed to play at this level.

The whole time George gets this hurt look on his face, and cries, “Mr. Umpire, see? See? He’s doing it again. Make him stop!”

In the end, the conference took 45 minutes, before the coaches began rolling around on home plate, pulling hair and giving noogies. Eventually all the fans left in disgust and swore that they would never watch a baseball game between two Presidential candidates ever again.

So, the moral of the story, thank goodness, that our two candidates are only running for President, and not something important, like the National Pastime.