Deep within each of us we have inexplicable

desires and attractions when it comes to

the opposite sex. Some look for intelligence,

others physical beauty, while others look for

things that go beyond the normal-perhaps

a hairstyle or gait or even taste in the arts.

I don't know why, but I am drawn to

female bass guitar players. They needn't be

the most attractive females either; I've seen

women who at first did not catch my attention

become attractive as soon as they throw

on a bass and jam with a band. My best

guess is that it comes from some Freudian

belief that, because I have very little talent as

an actual musician, I can only attain my

dreams of being a cool rock star by living

vicariously though my loved one.

My ideal woman, as I have found

through deep soul-searching, is a female

bass player in a regional indie-pop band.

Also, she cannot be the frontperson for this

band.

Let me explain: The beauty of bass players

is that their role is not of the tortured

artist, but of the rock-steady purveyor of the

rhythm that lets the artist do what they will

with their aching souls. Bass players have to

be naturally laid-back to take on such a role

as the mediator between the lofty ideals of

the artist and the basic necessities of the

audience. Hardly ever is the bass player the

one who is out doing heroin and having

casual sex with roadies; instead, he is the one

who sits in the van or nearby pub with the

roadies drinking beer and watching the

game. When the bass player is the frontperson,

everything goes haywire, disrupting the

entire composition of a great band. I call this

the Sting rule.

Another problem arises when the band

gains too much popularity and notoriety.

When a band realizes that maybe it isn't as

bad as it originally thought it was, the

immediate thought is to move to either New

York or L.A., depending on the scene they

want to be part of. Obviously, I want the

band to be great, but not great enough to

gain more than a regional following and

maybe an independent record deal. Besides,

I wouldn't want her touring all the time-

just an occasional trip to Chicago or Kansas

City every once in a while.

The problem is that, in having such a

detailed and specific image of perfection, I

have painted myself in a corner. For every

D'Arcy or Melissa Auf Der Mar (both of

whom played bass for Smashing

Pumpkins-Billy Corgan must have the

same predilection), there are thousands of

Tom Hamiltons and John Paul Joneses taking

their place as the bass player. The female

bass player is a rare thing, indeed, but that is

also what makes her so special.

Besides, what is the point of having an

ideal woman if she can be found?

Drew Ewing is a senior in Parks College.