Deep within each of us we have inexplicable
desires and attractions when it comes to
the opposite sex. Some look for intelligence,
others physical beauty, while others look for
things that go beyond the normal-perhaps
a hairstyle or gait or even taste in the arts.
I don't know why, but I am drawn to
female bass guitar players. They needn't be
the most attractive females either; I've seen
women who at first did not catch my attention
become attractive as soon as they throw
on a bass and jam with a band. My best
guess is that it comes from some Freudian
belief that, because I have very little talent as
an actual musician, I can only attain my
dreams of being a cool rock star by living
vicariously though my loved one.
My ideal woman, as I have found
through deep soul-searching, is a female
bass player in a regional indie-pop band.
Also, she cannot be the frontperson for this
band.
Let me explain: The beauty of bass players
is that their role is not of the tortured
artist, but of the rock-steady purveyor of the
rhythm that lets the artist do what they will
with their aching souls. Bass players have to
be naturally laid-back to take on such a role
as the mediator between the lofty ideals of
the artist and the basic necessities of the
audience. Hardly ever is the bass player the
one who is out doing heroin and having
casual sex with roadies; instead, he is the one
who sits in the van or nearby pub with the
roadies drinking beer and watching the
game. When the bass player is the frontperson,
everything goes haywire, disrupting the
entire composition of a great band. I call this
the Sting rule.
Another problem arises when the band
gains too much popularity and notoriety.
When a band realizes that maybe it isn't as
bad as it originally thought it was, the
immediate thought is to move to either New
York or L.A., depending on the scene they
want to be part of. Obviously, I want the
band to be great, but not great enough to
gain more than a regional following and
maybe an independent record deal. Besides,
I wouldn't want her touring all the time-
just an occasional trip to Chicago or Kansas
City every once in a while.
The problem is that, in having such a
detailed and specific image of perfection, I
have painted myself in a corner. For every
D'Arcy or Melissa Auf Der Mar (both of
whom played bass for Smashing
Pumpkins-Billy Corgan must have the
same predilection), there are thousands of
Tom Hamiltons and John Paul Joneses taking
their place as the bass player. The female
bass player is a rare thing, indeed, but that is
also what makes her so special.
Besides, what is the point of having an
ideal woman if she can be found?
Drew Ewing is a senior in Parks College.
