One of the most important lessons I have had to learn is that happiness is never just going to float gracefully down and land in my lap, fresh on a silver platter. For as long as I can remember, during my most difficult times, a voice in the back of my mind has promised me that one day, once I meet this goal, accomplish this thing or go to this place, I will finally be free of my severe depression.
As I look around my small, cozy and eclectically decorated apartment, I take in the sight of my partner sitting on the other side of the couch, doing their homework. My sweet dog, Louie, rests atop one of the cushions. These are the physical manifestations of all the hard work I have put in to feel the light of optimism grace me with a ray.
My depression is not cured, but my once-dark, black days are now sprinkled with moments of contentment and peace. However, I know that happiness is not, nor should it be, circumstantial. What has truly made me feel happy are the ways I have adjusted my mindset. Mental health struggles can seem like impossible roadblocks on the path to happiness, and although mental illness certainly can impede one’s ability to reach happiness, it is important to remember that there are always factors in our control.
As simple as it may seem, our happiness is truly in our own hands.
The habit that heals:
My resolution this year was to journal every day. Like many others, this goal has somewhat slipped through my fingers, but the consistency I have managed has made a difference. When I journal, I give myself the space to be as vulnerable as possible. I make an effort not to lie to myself and write about what is occupying my mind.
If writing does not feel comfortable, doing video diaries or text-to-speech in a notes application works just as well. The goal of this habit is to track emotions, recognize patterns in behavior and reflect on personal growth. As long as those intentions remain, the results will follow.
Get to know yourself:
As awkward and strange as it may seem, I love to talk to myself. When I sit down at my vanity and look into my mirror, I talk to the girl staring back at me as if she were another person. I say things to her that I would say to my best friend. To quote Hillel the Elder, “If I am not for myself, who will be for me?”
It has grown all too common for people to indulge in self-hatred. Yet, there is no way to be happy with oneself if the thoughts running through one’s mind are nothing but self-deprecating negativity. I believe that the first step to stop hating oneself is to get to know oneself.
I like myself because she likes to read the same books I do. We both cry when dogs die in movies or when we see roadkill on the street. She prides herself on working hard and overcoming hardships, and so do I. Look in the mirror and say kind things. Get to know the person you never allowed yourself to love.
Find ways to get yourself out of a rut:
Even the happiest people on Earth have bad days. I am nowhere close to the happiest person on Earth, but when I feel really low, I have a mental checklist of things I do in an attempt to make myself feel better, as well as a few things I do when I anticipate that I will have a particularly rough week.
For immediate relief, I like to utilize a “dopamine menu,” a working list in my journal that details various activities that can raise my spirits in a pinch. Menu items for me include listening to my current favorite playlist, doing my nails, journaling, doing something creative, reading a chapter from my book or buying myself a coffee. It is important not to include “doomscrolling” on this menu, as it is a short-term solution that is not actually effective because it will not fulfill the need for dopamine once you stop.
When I know I have a hard week ahead of me, I try to find an activity or event to look forward to. I plan a reward for myself for my hard work that week, like going to see a movie with my partner at the Alamo Drafthouse Cinema. Sometimes, we just need a reason to keep pushing forward. We have the power to create that reason.
If tasks feel overwhelming and the weekend seems too far away, it helps to take things one step at a time. Whatever I am doing at the moment, I focus only on that. Right now, I am writing this article. The project due tomorrow, the work I have in the morning and the essay I still have not turned in do not, and cannot, matter at this moment. Right now, my only task on Earth is writing this article. Focusing on what is immediately within one’s control can sometimes make all the difference.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. At some point, it is no longer sustainable to live in self-pity and sorrow. Happiness does not have to be a faraway, foreign concept, it is something that can be sought after and achieved if one genuinely allows oneself to do so.
