G’day mate, welcome to Sydney.

Only 15 more days until the Olympics!

I am so excited that my nights have been spent dreaming of our gold-medal hopefuls. Sept. 15 can’t come soon enough.

When was the last time I had the chance to watch a brutish little girl on steroids steadily flip around the balance beam or fly around the uneven bars?

When was the last time I watched our Olympic fencers and table tennis players go for the gold?

Four years ago, to be exact.

And you know what, I don’t miss it. It’s plain and simple: there are too many pointless Olympic sports!

Sure, I like watching the traditional events such as track, swimming and diving-even wrestling.

However, many events are lame. This year trampolining is making its Olympic debut.

Yes, trampolining, I kid you not. I’ve now seen everything. Pretty soon basket weaving will be an Olympic sport.

My grandma could be in the running for a medal.

Since you are unfamiliar with trampolining, let me introduce you to it.

The first type of trampolining was done by the Eskimos, who would toss each other up into the air on a sea lion skin similar to the sheet used by firemen to catch people jumping from a house on fire.

A U.S. Olympian compared herself to a bird because she can bounce up to 30 feet in the air.

Uh, you’re not a bird-you don’t have wings.

Stick to a normal sport.

I very well might make up my own Olympic sport and try to enter the 2004 Games. How does dodge ball sound?

Badminton is another worthless sport.

Its debut was at the 1992 Seoul Games in South Korea.

I would feel ashamed to represent my country as a badminton player. It should be banned. It’s not even a sport.

Just imagine your grandkids someday saying in awe, “Grandpa, you were in the Olympics?

“What do you mean you played badmiton?”

After finding out you were a badminton player, they would probably disown you.

When I get back some weekend at 3 a.m., I might have the chance to catch a tape- delayed rerun of the equestrian competition.

I will definitely tape it so I can watch it over and over again.

Someday when I have kids, I will bring out the tape and show my youngsters the proper techniques of how to really ride a horse.

There’s nothing that gets my adrenaline pumping more than horses jumping over fences.

“Gitty up!”

After that I might catch a glimpse of the sailing competition. Yet another legal form of speed.

I’ll tell you right now, I will not miss the judo or Tae Kwon Do events, whatever the heck they are.

One sport I actually will watch is the basketball event. Nothing better than watching Dream Team 10 beat up on Angola.

We have already won the gold medal, so everyone else will be playing for the silver.

So the Olympics will be here at last. It should be an entertaining few weeks.

Like all of you, I will be watching our red, white and blue fight it out for the gold.

However, most of my time will be dedicated to dodge ball training.