Unless you’re Mitch Albom, Tuesdays aren’t supposed to be very exciting. This Tuesday, however, was anything but boring. It started off normal, then all hell broke loose.
It was the oddest day I have seen in sports in a long time. Three separate, unrelated incidents occurred, and each one just left me shaking my head.
Early in the evening I checked the news wire and saw that Mike Tyson had bit someone … again. This time it was Lennox Lewis. In a pre-fight press conference, the ever-cannibalistic Tyson charged Lewis and swung a left hook at a Lewis bodyguard. (Which brings up another question I have: Why does the heavyweight champion of the world need a bodyguard?) Needless to say, a fracas ensued, and while the cameras didn’t catch it on film, Tyson allegedly chomped on Lewis’ left leg.
Haven’t we learned yet that there are some people that simply shouldn’t be allowed out in public? Simply because Tyson can fight doesn’t mean that he can do whatever he wants. Remember, he is a convicted rapist and known biter. He has also been quoted as saying he wanted to “eat (Lewis’) children.” I don’t particularly care if the fight between Tyson and Lewis happens or not; at this point I’d rather order Tyson vs. Dahmer on pay-per-view.
After seeing Tyson, one of my other favorite people in sports, David Stern, came on the TV. Stern, the NBA’s commissioner, was announcing that the NBA and AOL Time Warner had just completed a deal so that all of the NBA games would be broadcast for the next six years on ABC, ESPN, ESPN2 and TNT.
It wasn’t until the dollar figure was shown that I about passed out: Stern mouthed the words $4.6 billion, and everything seemed to go into slow motion. All I could see was Dr. Evil getting millions and billions confused again. I just kept waiting for some statistics guy to walk over to Stern and tell him that the deal was actually $4.6 million. But no, no one came.
As he sat on his little stool, all Stern needed was that hairless cat and he would have been Dr. Evil. Is he holding the Earth hostage with a giant laser. If we don’t comply, will he blow us up?
Remember, this is the NBA, where the regular season doesn’t matter and come playoff time Shaq and Kobe will be happy, and it won’t matter what the rest of the league does.
Just think what could be done with $4.6 billion. The options are endless. But alas, that $4.6 billion is going to David Stern and the NBA … Where is Austin Powers when we need him?
Finally, in the most ironic story of the day, O.J. Simpson’s girlfriend was pronounced missing Tuesday afternoon. No, I am not joking. As I heard the news, my thoughts were the same as everyone else’s: Juice did it again.
The initial reports were that Simpson’s girlfriend, Christie Prody, hadn’t been seen in nearly a month. As the day went on, no reports came out to pronounce Prody as not missing. As it turned out, the Associated Press reported yesterday afternoon that Prody was not missing. That’s great, but the irony was just too much for me.
As I lay me down to sleep Tuesday night, I thought about the three incidents and just cringed at how sports is sometimes represented by its participants. The things that go on in sports are occasionally sickening, and I am glad that every Tuesday isn’t like this one.
In the end, I had to try and find something good about the events on Tuesday. So I tried to answer the one question that I couldn’t figure out: Is David Stern Dr. Evil or Mini-Me?
