On Feb. 14 in the year of our Lord 270, local pastor Valentine of Rome was beaten with clubs and beheaded by Roman officials for his religious beliefs.

What does this have to do with love? Absolutely nothing!

It was a mere coincidence that St. Valentine has anything to do with a holiday of love and affection. The day’s meaning comes from the medieval belief that birds chose their mates on the ides of February. Thus, we could be celebrating buying St. Marius’ Day cards, and it wouldn’t make a friggin’ difference.

Out of the many meaningless medieval holidays, this one actually managed to survive. I don’t know why.

Everybody I talked to about Valentine’s Day either hated or really hated it.

The only people who actually liked it were girls who had a boyfriend, and why wouldn’t they? For them it’s like a second birthday, only without having to reveal their age.

They get flowers, they get dinner, they get chocolates.

Yes, there are a proud few romantically involved women who claim to dislike Valentine’s Day, and don’t celebrate it. I believe them like I believe the Weekly World News.

As much as they tell their boyfriends not to get them anything, this only accentuates the issue of Valentine’s Day. Thus the boyfriend is implicitly obligated to celebrate Valentine’s Day, while the girl has the perfect excuse for not getting his guy anything.

I pity the man who doesn’t pick up on this hint, and doesn’t get his girlfriend anything. This is only one example of women’s favorite past time: dishing it out to men coming AND going.

The situation becomes dire even for those not obligated to celebrate it. All this talk of “love” and “companionship” and “the never-ending joy of knowing someone so well that two become one in this world of loneliness and apathy” somehow makes the unaccompanied feel inadequate.

The continual onslaught of commercial urging to celebrate with a loved one doesn’t help the situation either.

On the whole, St. Valentine’s Day is truly one of anxiety, obligations and depression, rather than one of love and affection. However, we’ve celebrated it every year for hundreds of years as other holidays have dropped by the wayside. Well, it is finally time for this holiday to dissolve and new ones to be born again!

For example, Candlemas is an ancient Christian holiday of purity that marks the purification of Mary 40 days after giving birth. It also marks the halfway point between the winter solstice and the vernal equinox for you pagan folks. One celebrates Candlemas by feasting and lighting candles, with no chocolates, roses or feelings of loneliness.

There’s also Friendship Day, celebrated on the first Sunday of August.

It’s a perfect replacement for Valentine’s, except for those without friends – though Valentine’s Day probably wasn’t high on their list of favorite things anyway.

A holiday we’ve also forgotten is Carl Garner Federal Lands Cleanup Day, celebrated on the first Saturday after Labor Day. I don’t know who Carl Garner is, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t honor his work on cleaning up federal lands.

It is now time to revolt and today is the perfect time!

So, when your significant other complains about your boycott of this holiday, tell her Drew Ewing told you to.