Last night I had an epiphany. A group of friends and I went out to Union Station to hang out, get some dinner and see the movie National Lampoon’s Van Wilder. I had low expectations for the movie, mainly based on my previous experiences with this genre of movie (see review of Slackers), but I figured it was better than sitting alone in my room playing Goldeneye.

I’m glad I did go and see Van Wilder because it may have changed my life forever. It was the story of a college student who has spent “the better part of a decade” at the university he loves so much. Everybody knows him. Everybody loves him. He is living the idyllic college lifestyle; that is, until his uber-rich father pulls his tuition for the semester. Van is then forced to sell his “services of cool” to stay in the school he loves so much. Comedy ensues.

As I watched, I realized that I want to be Van Wilder. He is so cool, yet not in that high school cliquey way. He is genuinely good-natured to everyone, and vice versa. He raises money for various clubs and sports, all the while not acting like a fund-raiser. Hell, he even gets Tara Reid at the end, which is enough of an accomplishment in itself.

There’s nothing wrong with having role models. Even from a young age, we are taught to emulate people like MacGyver and The Kool-Aid Man, so why would this be any different? I will party hard, I will entertain throngs of co-eds and I will get people to pay me to do this if it is the last thing I do on this Earth.

I’m going to forge myself into the likeness of Van Wilder as much as I possibly can. If, in the course of this transformation, Tara Reid should somehow end up at this school, start working for the newspaper and have to interview me for my own expos?, then I will know my work is done.

I know that National Lampoon’s Van Wilder won’t be a blockbuster or receive any Oscar nominations, though the acting of Ryan Reynolds is quite exquisite and worthy of consideration.

Still, the producers and directors should not feel like failures because they helped at least one person find their calling in life. To anyone concerned, I will be having interviews for assistant by appointment only; pay is minimal, but worthwhile.