The funniest thing happened yesterday; I ran a woman over in my car and got arrested.
Wait, it gets better.
It turns out that the woman was a traffic officer in downtown Minneapolis, Minn. She had on a uniform and badge, but how was I supposed to know that she worked for the city?
You wouldn’t believe the nerve of this woman. As I made an illegal left turn onto a street, she stepped in front of my Lexus and declared that I stop my vehicle. So then, I pushed her a block and a half with my car and tapped the gas, knocking her to the ground.
When she fell, I sat in my car and didn’t get out to check on her. I didn’t call for help or put my car in reverse. I just sat contently.
After all that, the cops took me to jail, and they made me spend the night in a cold, damp cell. I was so pissed off. I didn’t get my silk robe or my nightly joint. It was unjust. I am thinking about filing a petition for an Eighth Amendment violation.
What is this country coming to when I, Randy Moss, can’t even drive as I please through the streets of Minneapolis? The police act like I am supposed to actually obey the laws. Next thing you know, people will be asking me to try on Isotoners during a trial.
But I never worried, I had belief in the system, and, lo and behold, the system came through.
The system remembered that I am Randy Moss, and my jersey is my “get out of jail free” card. Besides, it wasn’t like this was serious–no one died.
So when I walked out of jail this afternoon charged with two misdemeanors, I laughed it off and whistled my problems away. All the reporters and photographers were waiting outside the Hennepin County jail, yearning for me to make some kind of statement. But I’m not that stupid.
I’ll just give them my standard unintelligible quote of, “I was treated bad,” and let the feeding frenzy begin. By the time my attorneys get through with the charges I’ll be getting paid to sign autographs for the police.
The media is so fickle. Yesterday, they had me being indicted for second-degree assault with a dangerous weapon, which is a felony. But they forgot who I am. I am Randy Moss. Today, that felony charge is two misdemeanors, and the police have yet to indict me for the marijuana that they found in my car. I really need to find a better hiding spot than the glove compartment.
The best part of it all is that this is one day after and the charges are next to nothing. Just think, in a week this will all have blown over and I’ll be back to making $75 million over the next eight years.
I thought about apologizing to the officer I hit. I thought about apologizing to the Vikings’ ownership. I thought about apologizing to the fans.
Then I figured, why should I? I am Randy Moss, professional athlete, to whom the laws do not apply.
