The fix is on. Not since the days of Shoeless Joe Jackson and the Chicago Black Sox back in 1919 has a sport been so visibly manipulated. What am I talking about you ask? Isn’t it obvious? I’m talking about the Super Bowl.
Year after year, millions of people across the United States–and the world over–tune in to watch the game pitting the two best teams in professional football, as they duke it out for the Lombardi Trophy and the right to be called world champion. This year appears to be no different. However, it is, and here’s why: The real winner of this year’s Super Bowl crowned himself months ago. The real winner is Michael Eisner.
But who exactly is Michael Eisner you ask? Well, Eisner is the head of one of the most manipulative and suspect corporations the world has ever seen. Eisner is the head of Disney. Year after year, Eisner’s company entices countless children to sit through endless cartoons and movies for the sole purpose of entertaining the young minds of our country.
Did I say entertaining? I meant corrupting! Millions of children are exposed constantly to ideas like being nice, trusting people, and even ideas as far-fetched as loving other people! It’s sickening.
That’s right, Disney exposes and, still worse, convinces kids to do things that they might otherwise not want to do. You are probably saying to yourselves right now,”This guy’s crazy,” or “I think he’s had one too many Happy Meals”. But it all makes perfect sense. Trust me.
Early last year, Disney announced that it was going to go back to their old format for making movies in an attempt to boost revenues. They considered remakes of Herbie the Love Bug (a personal favorite) and Peter Pan, but it was decided that those were too “low rent.” No, Disney wanted a blockbuster.
Enter Jerry Bruckheimer. Bruckheimer, of Top Gun and Armageddon fame, came to Disney with a plan. He wanted to make a movie based on the Disney World ride “Pirates of the Caribbean.” He promptly put together a strong leading cast, including Johnny Depp and Geoffrey Rush, and a crack crew and director. But that’s when the coincidences started.
First, ABC, a subsidiary of Disney, was awarded the Super Bowl.
Next, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers started winning. And they kept winning. Sure, the sun shines on a dog’s backside every now and then, but not 12 games in one season. No, surely not. Something was rotten in the state of Denmark, er, Florida. Whichever. The point is that the Bucs don’t win like this and that only through the course of some voodoo magic or a massive influenza epidemic would they ever be able to reach the Super Bowl.
The team the Bucs will face this Sunday is a team which needs no introduction. They hold the distinction of having the oldest average age of any team in the NFL as well as possessing the only fans in the world who produce enough body odor and methane to heat their houses for the entire winter. These guys make death-row inmates look like Mary Poppins. The Raiders haven’t done anything since Reagan was in office–his first term. How did these guys make it to the Super Bowl? It’s beyond me. Not only are they old and of poor hygiene, but they are some of the ugliest men I’ve ever seen.
But what’s the correlation? What’s the tie-in? What could an East Coast team, like the Bucs, and a West Coast team, like the Raiders, possibly have in common? Oh yeah, THEY ARE BOTH PIRATES! It all comes full-circle.
Now, I’m not coming out and saying that the rest of the league was in on it. I personally believe their collective IQ, which typically rivals that of a Canadian, just didn’t allow them the capacity to see what was going on around them. But Michael Eisner knew. And he still does. But how does having these two teams help him? Simple. This is the Pirate Super Bowl. Pirates vs. Pirates. Playing in a game which garners a higher viewing audience than any other program for the rest of the year. And what is it that a lot of people tune in to watch anyway? Commercials! Ding, Ding, Ding! Michael Eisner and Disney are going to have half of America tuned into the Pirate Super Bowl watching a commercial about his blockbuster hit of the summer, Pirates of the Caribbean, which is set to premiere this summer somewhere between Terminator 3 and Harry Potter 26 and a 1/2.
Truthfully, it will probably be a cheap knock off of the greatest pirate-caper of all times, Goonies, but that doesn’t say that it won’t make money anyway. Heck, the public will watch anything (i.e. Spider Man).
Come Sunday night I know two things for certain … 1: Brooke Burke will still be the hottest woman in the world and; 2: every kid in America will be begging their parents to see the “smash hit of the summer” says the Riverfront Times (if that means anything).
Still not convinced? Well the Angels won the World Series last year, and guess who owns them. Disney!
I bet Michael Eisner is laughing all the way to the bank on this one. What a fix.
