It’s upon me. My quarter-life crisis. You are probably thinking that it seems kind of early for a college sophomore to be going through a quarter life crisis, but I assure you, I’m serious.
I took a survey in last month’s Maxim and it said that I, an almost 20-year-old-male, have exactly 60 more years to live, which breaks down into 21,900 days or 31,536,000 minutes for those of you out there who don’t go by the lunar calendar.
And because I, like so many other college males, refer to Maxim and/or Stuff as a sort of “Cosmo for the stronger sex” I pretty much consider this to be a dead-on gauge of just how much time I’ve got left, which, in and of itself, was a tough pill to swallow.
It got me thinking: what have I done with the first quarter of my life? And I quickly realized that there are definitely a few things I need to have done before I hit my next milestone: the dreaded mid-life crisis.
So I put together a little list of 30 things that every male sports fan should have done or know how to do by the time they turn 40.
Without further ado, the list:
By the time the average male sports fan turns 40 years old he should have:
1. Been “shown the exit” by an usher.
2. Drank an Old Style Beer at Wrigley. (So I’ve done one. Sweet. Don’t worry, dad, the guy behind us bought it for me when you went to the bathroom).
3. Thrown “the hook” when he bowls.
4. Attempted a putt for over $50.
5. Seen a professional baseball game in Beantown and Chavez Ravine.
6. Thrown one back.
7. Called in sick to work so that you could watch March Madness.
8. Been able to explain the infield fly rule.
9. Had the old “tastes great-less filling” argument with another inebriated bar patron.
10. Stopped wearing “authentic team jerseys” with your own name on the back.
11. A nickname that embarrasses him (Score, two down!).
12. Finally given up hope of “being discovered” by a scout.
13. Figured out how much to tip their caddie.
14. A nagging sports injury.
15. Coached the New York Knicks.
16. Stopped doing the wave.
17. Seen a professional athlete eating in a restaurant and have let him finish eating.
18. A sports idle who has died.
19. Given up hope that the Cubs will one day win a World Series.
20. Bought tickets to a playoff game from a scalper.
21. Stopped reading the sports page first.
22. Eaten seafood at SafeCo, drank a Coors at Coors, and had a Dodger Dog
23. Been able to explain the offsides rule (hockey and soccer).
24. Won at least one fantasy sports league crown.
25. Owned a sports hat from at least one defunct professional sports franchise.
26. One good sports impression (besides Bill Walton).
27. Known who JoePa, the Golden Bear and the General were.
28. Name 12 colleges whose mascot is the Tiger.
29. Been able to name all the teams in the Norris Division.
And the last thing that every male sports fan should have done by the time they turn 40 is:
30. Ruined at least one promising relationship over sports.
It’s interesting what kind of effect coming to grips with my own mortality has had on me. But at least I’ve got a list of where to go from here. Sure it’s ambitious, but what worthy endeavor isn’t? So, I hate to cut this short, but I have a few items I need to go check off.
Anyone have any good leads on that Knicks job? Maybe Maxim has some ideas.
