A few weeks ago, brothers Aaron Boone of the Cincinnati Reds and
Brett Boone of the Seattle Mariners squared off in Major League
Baseball’s All-Star game. The once skinny, now brawny siblings have
something to thank for their new physique induced success. Allow me
to speculate on a conversation they may have had about a year
ago.

A phone rings.

Brett Boone: Hello, superstar second baseman Brett Boone
speaking.

Aaron Boone: Hi, Brett, it’s Aaron.

BB: Aaron, how is Cincy?

AB: Not good, I’m not producing, and fans here are getting
frustrated with dad and me. I called for advice. You used to be a
.240 hitter who struck out all of the time. Now you put up numbers
envied by the entire league. What is your secret?

BB: Well, Aaron, I’ve done a couple uppers, I’ve downed a couple
downers, but nothing compares to my fatty-juiced steroid
syringe.

AB: But, Brett, isn’t that … illegal?

BB: Still so na�ve, little bro.

AB: You mean, that 30 pounds of bulk you put on wasn’t from hard
work and dedication?

BB: Sure it was dedication. I’m dedicated to success. You asked
how I got my numbers, now you know.

AB: Wow, it’s that easy? Where can I get some of these
“steroids?”

BB: Aaron, I thought you’d never ask (Brett gets choked up) …
you can have some of mine, brother.

Steroids, bringing baseball families together since Jose and
Ozzie Canseco!

It’s no secret anymore. Players use steroids; as they beef up,
their numbers increase exponentially. Such chatter has circulated
through the baseball world for the past few years and is becoming a
pretty widely accepted fact. We can only hope that the Boone name
overcomes the libido restricting effects of the ‘roids so that one
of them may someday produce a fourth-generation major league
star.

Many sportswriters have taken on this issue as their consensus
battle cry of “what’s wrong with baseball.” Everyone seems to know
what should, nay, must be done. Yet, they all seem to forget that,
the game they are writing about is baseball.

The very nature and history of the sport is a composed of
cheaters. Steroids are just the newest manifestation. It’s just a
bit harder to hide 40-inch biceps than other methods of
rule-tampering.

Ask any Major Leaguer. They all know how to scuff a ball to add
some movement to a pitch or hide a little vaseline under the bill
of their cap. Heck, even I could tell you how to cork a bat. How
many sports have such well known methods of rule breaking? Not
many. I also guarantee, loads of players have tried it. Most are
good at it too; that’s why it’s news when players are caught.

One of the biggest sporting scandals of the summer, and possibly
within the last 10 years, was Sammy Sosa’s bat-corking
incident.

Yes, others have done it, but players like Chris Sabo and Albert
Belle were never of Sammy’s stature or affability. This was
big-time.

Yet, possibly the most amusing part of the whole incident could
have been the collective “gasp, oh how could he?!” from his
fans:

How could he what? Look at the man, he doesn’t have a neck
anymore.

He probably can’t put a baseball cap on his own head without
assistance. The man is on steroids.

And people are surprised he would add a little pop to his bat?
As Sammy said, he likes to put on a show for the fans. He loves the
joy people get watching him send a ball over Waveland Ave.

Don’t act shocked. Remember, when players cheat, they’re doing
it for you.

Now the baseball world looks back at spit-ballers like Gaylord
Perry and just kind of chuckle.

No one threatens to take his plaque out of the Hall of Fame, and
no father says to his son, “This cheater tried to ruin the way
baseball is played.”

No, more likely, you will hear in an admiring voice, “Son, this
is the man who made the spit-ball famous.” Sammy will go down the
same way.

People will remember those unnatural, bulging muscles and that
cork, but they will say “Man, he would just crush the ball, then do
that little jump thing he did so well.” I don’t condone what Sosa
did, but baseball honors its cheaters, so how could you blame
him?

Maybe, after they let Pete Rose in, the Hall of Fame will
dedicate a wing for those who broke the rules, as long as they did
a damned good job of it.

[This author realizes that no substantial proof exists that
the Boone brothers or Sammy Sosa have, in fact, used Steroids. It
is all just speculation and feeble attempts at humor].