I got into a bar fight over spring break that would have made my
old man proud.My girlfriends and I went to a beachfront tiki bar in
Florida on the night of the first round of the Conference USA
Tournament, and while the girls sat at our table enjoying the night
and their drinks, I was persuaded to take a walk to the bar with an
inebriated young man named Dave.

He bought me a beer and introduced me to his friend Danny, who
is without a doubt, the most incompetent college basketball bookie
I have ever met.This commentary is dedicated to him.

The TV at the bar was tuned to ESPN, and rather than listen to
Dave’s drunken ramblings, I decided to check the score of the Saint
Louis University game. That’s where Danny came in.He asked why I
was so interested in the Saint Louis game, and I told him I was a
fan of Billiken basketball.

“Conference USA, huh? That’s going to be the third-best
basketball conference in two years,” he said.

I laughed. He looked confused. And then I realized he was
serious.

“Are you kidding me? Every good program in the league is leaving
after next season,” I said. “Memphis is the only halfway decent
school staying in the league, which will be good for them since
they’ll actually have a shot at winning the conference and going to
the Tournament.”

Danny didn’t pick up on the humor. “No, only Louisville is
leaving, and they are only leaving for basketball,” he said.

Politely, I told him that he must be mistaken, since Cincinnati,
DePaul, Marquette, Louisville, South Florida, Charlotte and Saint
Louis are all leaving, and unless you’re Notre Dame, you really
can’t be in one conference for one sport and another for the rest.
But Danny insisted that he was correct and that I was mistaken.
When I told him I was a sports reporter, it was his turn to laugh
at me.

“Sweetie, I’m not trying to make you feel dumb, but you’re
wrong. Ask me what I do all day,” he said. So I indulged him and
asked. “I watch basketball and then I bet on it.”

After going back and forth for several minutes and Danny calling
me Sweetie more than my grandma does, I gave up.

“Well, good luck with the betting. Stick with C-USA in two years
and see what happens,” I said as I began to walk away.

Danny chuckled as he said, “Thanks, Sweetie. And you might want
to rethink being a sports reporter. Better stick with something you
know.”

As I turned to walk back to my friends, I tripped and a little
bit of my beer spilled on Danny’s knee. Pity.I wonder how Danny is
doing these days, now that March Madness has started. I wish I
could write him a letter about his gambling habit. If I did, it
would probably go something like this:

Dear Danny,

I hope you are enjoying March Madness as much as I am. Who did
you pick to win it? Let me guess, you went with Cincinnati or
Louisville, right? Better luck next year … or better yet, better
luck in two years, because you’re right, Conference USA is going to
be great. Have you heard that C-USA is adding new teams to replace
the teams that are leaving? Imagine that!

Really, who needs teams like Cincinnati, DePaul, Marquette,
Louisville, Charlotte and Saint Louis? Does it really matter that
they all made it to the postseason? I’m sure you’ll be the richest
man alive after betting on Rice, Marshall, Southern Methodist,
Tulsa and Central Florida, the new kids on the C-USA block.

I’m with you–RPI doesn’t matter at all in determining the
caliber of the league. You’re right, C-USA will be great … they
will have two new teams with RPIs above 100! Which will definitely
make up for losing four teams with RPIs that are even higher, even
the team in the top 25 … and the other two teams in the top 50. I
don’t know about you, but I think C-USA had a great second-to-last
strong showing in the postseason.

Thanks for setting me straight, Danny; you’ve made me see how
great C-USA is going to be in the next two years. I’m not going to
watch any more March Madness this year, I’m going to wait for the
REALLY good teams to be in the playoffs–the schools that are
joining C-USA (I don’t care that most of them didn’t make the
postseason, do you?). Also, let me thank you for the career advice
you gave me. I’ll definitely rethink this sports reporter gig.

All my best,

Sweetie

P.S.-I’m sorry for spilling beer on you at the tiki bar. What an
unfortunate accident, to spill a perfectly good beer on a man of
your obvious sports genius.