Pamela Anderson, a major voice in the PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) movement, has tackled many nefarious foes in her time. First, her unforgettable Casey Jean “C.J.” Parker took on electric eels on the classic “Eel Ni?o” episode of Baywatch. Then she battled Hepatitis C when she contracted the disease from a tattoo needle she shared with the ever-clean Tommy Lee. Finally, throughout her entire life, Anderson valiently fought the urge to ever pick up a book, learn from a teacher or even switch stations to watch The Discovery Channel. All in all, she has proven to be a real trooper. Which makes me think that the buxom bombshell still has a few years left to face down evil in all forms and make this planet a better place.

So as I was sitting around the other day hitting golf balls at the joggers taking advantage of the warm weather, I began to wonder what would make for the ultimate Pamela Anderson showdown. Who would prove to be her toughest enemy yet seen? Who would be courageous enough to take on this indomitable woman? The answer, ladies and gentlemen, did not come in the form of Kong (reference #347), medieval knights, the Harlem Globetrotters or that gigantic baby from Honey I Blew up the Kid. No, my friends, Ms. Anderson’s new nemesis has reared its ugly head in the form of Colonel Sanders.

Yes, that Colonel Sanders. For those of you not familiar with the Colonel Harland Sanders, you’d best get with the program. The late womanizer/genius was the mastermind behind the Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant chain. The man loved fried chicken so much that his final utterance was, “Forget not what I have done with my time on earth, for it is only when … hold on a moment … … my Lord … mmm … I do say … mmm … that is scrumptiously delectable.” He never finished any relevant thought but did manage to polish off an entire bucket full of famous Original Recipe and several delicious home-style side dishes. Long story short, the man has touched the lives of several billion people worldwide with his glorious chicken. He has become an icon across America and specifically in Kentucky, where a bust of the Colonel resides in the state Capitol-and Governor Ernie Fletcher seems pretty resolute in keeping it there, citing Sanders as an important figure in Kentucky’s history.

Well, think again, Governor, because Pam Anderson has different plans! As a spokesperson for PETA, the busty starlet has asked for the bust to be removed from the Capitol building. In addition, she has announced her intention to boycott the Kentucky Derby and the famous wild fowl race (KFC is a sponsor of the event). Anderson has essentially boycotted the entire state of Kentucky. Why? Anderson’s intense, fair-and-balanced investigations into KFC’s treatment of its chickens has exposed the company as cruel and negligent in its care. This company is treating the chickens that it will eventually be serving with a variety of delicious sauces and potato wedges like rented mules! I was intrigued by her accusations and visited the Web site www.kfccruelty.com, which details the mistreatment of the kindly birds. Truth be told, the videos and stories of KFC workers tossing chickens and injured birds about tug at the heart and made me think twice about ever eating another mouthwatering platter of the Colonel’s Crispy Strips and Apple Pie Minis. The fight for chicken rights seems to be a cause worth fighting for.

And let me tell you, whoever is in charge of this crusade must know a thing or two about getting word out and converting animal rights fence-sitters. To begin with, kfccruelty.com has a photo of a poster featuring the words “BOYCOTT KFC” against the backdrop of Anderson’s cleavage, sure to gain the respect of horn dog idiots, a key demographic in the animal rights political arena. On a similar note, there is an article detailing demonstrations from British Columbia to Tennessee, where bikini-clad hotties rallied against the abuse, holding signs outside KFC restaurants (Their motto: “High school education? Nah!”). They did stop one old man from eating there (coroners concluded that it was a heart attack), but spent most of the day begging passersby to stop staring at their chests. The emblem of the site, defining the class of the campaign, features a deranged cartoon of Sanders, covered in blood, cleaving away at a terrified chicken with a dagger. Finally, there is the list of other supporters besides Anderson. It includes folks like Andy Dick (the man who once orally pleasured a vegetable), drag star Lady Bunny, The Darkness (the space-squid-vanquishing super band), and of course people you kind of forgot about, such as Phil Collins and Bea Arthur. To their credit, Carrot Top was not in sight.

The moral of the story? When fighting for a worthwhile cause, why bother getting support from people who have crazy things like Ph.D.s, educations or any trace of competent thinking? I assume it’d be tough and may possibly take time to wrangle up respectable famous face, such as George Clooney, Don Cheadle or Tom Hanks! Just make sure that you have a brain trust of D-list celebrities championing your cause wearing close to nothing and that your voice is heard through a woman whose home sex video has been seen by 93 percent of the world’s population. Oh, and a bucket of blood to throw on a dead cartoon colonel can’t hurt.

Rob Gartland is a junior in the College of Arts & Sciences