Greek life has been a part of SLU since the dawn of Midtown time. During the renovation of Simon Recreation Center this year, the bones of several prominent Greeks popped up as workers were digging to lay the foundation of the new weight and exercise room. An expert in his field, archeologist Henry Jones Jr, Ph.D. has identified the remains as those of Socrates, Plato, Yoda and the career of Nia Vardalos. Plato was found holding a petrified gyro in one hand and clutching a piece of parchment with the Greek letters “?KA” in the other. Jones, upon careful inspection, says that the letters can be be roughly translated to “Pike,” though no one can be sure, as a bit of calcified gyro sauce had dripped onto the paper, slightly obscuring the symbols.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I miss the Pikes, also known as the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity. Where did they go, you may ask. According to a recent University News article, here’s what went down:
“In mid-September, Pi Kappa Alpha was found guilty of alcohol-related charges and sanctioned to a year of social probation. During the probationary period, two more incidents were reported. Despite appeals, Pi Kappa Alpha was found guilty.”
Because of this, the Pikes are not allowed to partake in Greek life until 2012. Now, does this all sound fishy to anyone else? Alcohol-related charges? What kind of alcohol-related charges are we talking about here?
Did they drink a crappy brand of beer that has been condemned by The International Office of Frats and Pancakes? Did they get the Billiken drunk and have him ride a frightened ostrich through the BSC during one of Biondi’s fundraiser events?
I say, “BALOGNA!”-and I say it loud and clear, with the utmost zeal, and I pronounce it ball-og-nah. The Pikes I came to know and love were not these supposed wild men. I have come into contact with these gents on several occasions throughout my college career. My first year in Clemens saw several of them on my floor. Here’s just a sample list of things the Pikes have done for SLU:
1) Brought honor to themselves
2) Given us studliness
3) Given us another over-the-top dose of the studly gene
4) Reportedly killed a rampaging elephant who had its sights set on eating several members of our cross country team
5) I recently witnessed a young woman on campus wearing a T shirt proclaiming, “I’m Down for Anything with Pikes!” I don’t know what exactly these wondrous men did to make this young lady feel the way she did, but whatever it was, I think this speaks volumes about their great collective character.
Need I say more? If we really lose these men of substance, what will our campus be? Pikes don’t give Greeks a bad name. All the other Greeks give Pikes a bad name.
The Pikes are dudes who don’t stand for any girl not getting creeped on at a party. These are fellas who leave no stone unturned when it comes to peeing on their neighbors’ doors if double-dog dared. As evidenced by a true story, at least some of them will not stand for wiener social justice kids raising awareness for the homeless in Saint Louis. They’d rather throw footballs at them and call them derogatory names for homosexuals!
These guys are modern-day Vikings! They are the Vin Diesels of the modern age! Do we really want to lose Vin Diesel? Ask yourself that question, as it may be the most important one you are ever asked.
Let’s get down to brass tacks. We need groups on campus that get things done for our community and the world as a whole. Let’s keep the organizations that matter to SLU and oust the rest. Amnesty International? Take a hike! Students Against Sweatshops? Please! I’m for sweatshops! Alpha Phi Omega? Why don’t you volunteer to pump the keg at a Pike party? Make yourselves useful!
We, as a community of students, need to prioritize what we want out of life. I’ve heard rumors that top members of SGA have been connected to an international criminal network run by several mallards, a defrosted Walt Disney and K-Fed. Why not make room for the return of Pike-dom by ridding ourselves of the pesky dealings of our student government? (Motto: “We’re probably the most essential student organization, and we work for your rights.”)
Are we going to let a little alcohol violation deprive us of the aforementioned distinguished gentlemen of Pi Kappa Alpha? I say nay.
Free Tibet? Ppsshhhh! Free Pike!
Rob Gartland is a senior in the College of Arts & Sciences.
