The Student Government Association’s recent efforts to restrict smoking on campus have been well-debated.
Many delightful, intelligent senators have politely pointed out that smoking needs to limited or banned on campus, due to the harmful effects of second-hand smoke.
Anti-life senators have ruined these fair debates with mudslinging and confusing logic. They try to argue for fairness and sharing, but their brains have been damaged by the voluptuous smoke clouds that hover above Saint Louis University’s campus.
I might be called a “non-smoker,” but in the interest of the two parties, I have formulated a completely objective and modest proposal.
The Surgeon General made a statement saying that “There is no … risk-free level of exposure to second-hand smoke” The Pro-Justice senators have cited this as evidence for the ban of smoking on our beloved campus. (The ellipsis is omitting the word “known,” which obviously doesn’t affect the implications of that statement.)
For most, a 20-foot barrier is enough. But who knows how many parts per billion are invading our lungs from 100 or even 1,000 feet away?
Thus, I propose that SLU build a new campus on the Samoan island of Aunu’u. I assure you that none of the natural animal life will be harmed. I have designed a bubble that will keep the smokers inside from harming the environment.
We would join the ranks of such establishments as Asheville-Buncombe Technical Community College and Ricks College. Ever since they became smoke free, their enrollments have exploded. Increased enrollment would pay for the new campus and military protection in fewer than 50 years.
We chose this school. We did not “choose to breath in second-hand smoke” said Sarah Kuehnle, president of smoke.free.slu.
I agree. This is our campus, and all smokers should be relocated. We should be able to customize our college experience to our exact liking. That’s why we have SGA.
Smokers may think me hypocritical, as I choose to stay on a campus affected by traffic- more than smoke pollution. I choke each time I cross Grand Boulevard, so don’t think I am biased.
I propose that SLU pay for a new road system, rerouting Grand and filling the empty space with a small forest or wildlife sanctuary.
After we have protected ourselves from airborne evils, we could finance the building of a large wall encasing the campus. No longer would we have to fear St. Louis residents, who threaten our very lives.
I think smokers will favor this idea. Not only do they get to live on an island that is now 50 percent malaria-free, but they will have enough clean air to poison for decades!
If they don’t like it, they can always quit and come back to our pollution-free campus. After a six-month detox program, they will be allowed to attend classes again.
Most importantly, we, the majority, will be protected.
Objectively, this is the perfect proposal.
Nick Calcaterra is a freshman in the college of Arts and Sciences.
