Valentine’s Day Valediction

Whether you’re a lovebird or a loner this Valentine’s Day, the (mostly single and pretending to be happy about it) Editorial Board of The University News has a few thoughts to share with you on this most pointless of occasions.

1. If your heart is swelling with love for a special someone, that’s just great. We’re happy you’re happy. But do everyone a favor and spare us your PDA. Making out in the Quad might be fun for you, but it makes everyone else want to vomit. So, unless dodging puddles of puke on your way to class is a turn on, keep your kissing and touching out of sight.

2. While you’re at it, your roommate doesn’t want to see that filth, either. So before you start swapping spit or pet names with your precious partner, remember that the person rolling his or her eyes feet away from you has homework to do.

3. Hollywood’s endless stream of romantic comedies might have skewed your idea of what to do or give on Valentine’s Day, but trust us: You can do better than an assortment of candies, a dozen roses and a sappy card. Instead, do something creative, just as long as that creativity doesn’t involve one of those “Someone at SLU loves me” pillows from the bookstore. Seriously. We’ve seen those-they are sick-nasty.

4. While staying creative, don’t be a schlub. Try taking your lover off campus for a bit. As romantic as Salsaritas is, after spending the rest of the night on the toilet, she might lose that lovin’ feeling. Whoa-oh.

5. If you’re single and hating it, we feel your pain. But whining about how sad and alone you are isn’t going to get you any dates. In fact, it’ll probably just annoy your friends. As an alternative, why not do something constructive? Saint Louis University puts a high premium on service; perhaps helping the needy will help fill the gaping, love-shaped hole in your soul.

6. Do not, under any circumstances, refer to Valentine’s Day as “Singles Awareness Day.” If you’re single and you know it, there’s no need to draw any extra attention to it. Just remember, most of those happy relationships have an expiration date.

7. Speaking of breaking up, it’s usually for the best. Really, if Flava Flav has failed at finding love three times in a row with the help of VH1, what hope do we have? Besides, every time he dumps his baby mama of the moment, he gets a new show. Heartbreak = dollar signs. For real.

8. Typically, we don’t endorse eating your feelings, but on Valentine’s Day, we revoke those beliefs. Have that extra piece of cake-you’ve earned it, you sassy, sexy single, you.

9. While eating that cake, you should by no means listen to any of the following artists: Celine Dion, The Fray, Boyz II Men, Michael Bolton, Michael Buble-really, anyone named Michael-Enrique Iglesias, Savage Garden, Coldplay or any version of “Unchained Melody.”

10. Just for good measure, you probably shouldn’t rub the Billiken statue’s belly. We realize that this doesn’t have anything to do with Valentine’s Day, but still-it’s just gross.

The Editorial Board