College football, how dearly I have missed thee. After nearly eight months of spending my Saturdays watching Dexter’s Laboratory reruns and weeping in the fetal position, you have returned to soothe the pains of pigskin withdrawal. Although your first three weeks have been dominated by powerhouse programs pasting paycheck-collecting Bowl-Subdivision schools, we devoted faithful bask in your glory. As I itch with anticipation for this Saturday…and the next…and the next…I can’t help but peer into the crystal ball and offer some fearless predictions for the coming year.
First off, can the Southeastern Conference be dethroned? After sitting through two field-goal fests last year, I don’t know if I can take another LSU-Alabama root canal. I love me some defense, but when I celebrate after a team crosses midfield, something needs to change. So I beg of you, give me a National Championship Game participant whose offense doesn’t give off the impression that the players are swimming through a vat of Nyquil. Although Nick Saban-tron and his assembly of football cyborgs may dominate every hapless foe on its schedule, the world needs a non-SEC opponent come January. Seriously, last year’s title game was like watching 22 Hummers play bumper cars.
On that note, who can hang with Alabama? Since my last demand rules out Louisiana State, let’s look elsewhere. Southern California was exposed for what they are: Matt Barkley and two dudes playing catch on national television. Oklahoma and Florida State choking in October can now be reasonably attributed to some complex law of Physics; it’s as reliable as Newton’s Law of Gravitation. Notre Dame may actually warrant the obligatory “THEY’RE BACK!!!!” cries from the talking heads (Hey, better 20 years late than never), but I can’t see them getting past their brutal schedule. So who’s left?
Oregon, the nation turns its lonely eyes to you. After falling short to Cam Newton and the Auburn Tigers in 2010, this year they’ll make a return trip to the Title game. Freshman quarterback Marcus Mariota has been good, if not spectacular, thus far. Oh, and there’s that DeAnthony Thomas kid. The dude has seven touchdowns this year…on 24 touches. Think about that for a second. Every three or four times the ball is in Thomas’s hands, he scores. He can’t be human.
Their defense will give up points, there is no question. After their Sept. 22 test against Arizona, we’ll know more about their ability to stop the ball. With an offense as good as theirs, though, the entire concept of “defense” is rendered irrelevant, both for the Ducks and their opposition. When a team can drop 40 on any opponent at will, it gives their defense a whole lot of breathing room. Looking at their schedule, there’s not a team that can hold Oregon under 40 points, let alone 60. If you get into a shootout with Oregon, you’re apt to lose a limb.
So there it is: Alabama vs. Oregon for all the marbles on Jan. 7. Oregon will put a chink in the Alabama armor, but robo-Saban and the Tide will claim their third National Championship in four years.
What about the rest of the country? I see Louisville coming out of the Big East unscathed, touting a perfect record before getting blitzed by LSU in the Sugar Bowl. Michigan State will fall to USC in the Rose Bowl, Florida State takes out Oklahoma in the Orange Bowl, and West Virginia will win the Big 12 in their debut and beat Notre Dame in the Fiesta Bowl.
As for the Heisman hardware, I like West Virginia’s Geno Smith to take it home. He’s been scary good through two games, completing 88 percent of his passes for nine touchdowns and zero picks. While the competition will stiffen in Big 12 play, the defenses are ripe for the picking.
College football is back. Rejoice. Barring a miracle, the story’s ending will play out the same as the past six seasons. The SEC is king. Long live the king.
