SLU starts competitive beer pong program

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In what is widely being hailed as a groundbreaking move toward actually winning a national tournament, the SLU Athletics Department has announced that they will be starting up a new beer pong team. When asked for the rationale behind the bold effort, one department spokesperson said, “Well, we had to be different from other universities somehow, right?”

Much of the team will initially be composed of walk-ons. Namely, that one dude you always see belligerently drunk at The Library Annex, that other guy that has probably passed out in at least seven strangers’ bathrooms and the creepy old man that is always staring across the bar have all been confirmed as members of the team.

However, SLU is focused on becoming the premier beer pong program in the nation, and realizes that national-scale recruiting will be necessary to compete with the big state schools when it comes to becoming beer pong champions.

To that end, they have already identified several high schoolers with promising potential.

At the top of the list is Bruce, a 15-year old high school sophomore from Los Angeles. While Bruce is young, SLU scouts have said that his throwing technique is refined at a level beyond his age and that his intimidating 6-foot-6-inch frame deters any “froufrou” attempts at a bounce shot.

His other option is basketball, and Bruce’s dad has recently spoken about how Bruce is “better than Steph Curry, for me.”

However, Bruce has recently spoken about his desire to play competitive beer pong over basketball. “I really want to be able to help take SLU’s program to the next level. And to get trashed doing it? I mean, I couldn’t ask for anything more,” he said.

When asked, Bruce’s dad said that he’d be willing to drive Bruce to SLU, but honestly Bruce can probably handle the driving himself.

All student athletes that join the beer pong team will be given full four-year scholarships. The Athletics Department is making this generous gesture in order to entice prospective athletes, and because drinking is a better and older sport than basketball anyway, according to one unnamed source.

When asked how the team is expected to do in its first season, one Athletics Department representative said, “If we can avoid injuries, and that’s a big if, because liver injuries are common in our sport, then I think we can go all the way. If you saw the empty beer cans strewn around campus after Mardi Gras, then you’ll know we’ve clearly got the talent.

“Our program will offer an array of intravanal technologies to keep our athletes in tip-top shape from one competition to the next. I’m hoping we can retain athletes each year. It’s a tough game, but I think the coaching staff and the athletes will agree that the game is worth the costs to the body.”

While SLU has a grand plan for their beer pong program, one concerning factor that the Athletics Department is trying to solve is the recent closure of several bars around campus, including Diablitos and Humphrey’s.

One Athletics Department representative said, regarding the bars, “I’m really worried that we won’t have adequate practice facilities for our athletes. But hey, that’s the SLU spirit right? We’re going to get freaking schwasty no matter how much you try and stop us.”